My last post was about Christmas cancelled, well at least the shared version of Christmas. We still had our feast and opened presents, sans many attendees due to our illness.
We ended up celebrating the Solstice in a very low key but perfect way. Some friends invited us over for dinner, mulled wine, and sledding. The temperature was moderate, and while the moon was shrouded slightly in clouds, it still brightened up the sky enough to make a fabulous sledding experience. We had a great time. Mulled wine is the perfect winter treat, by the way. Here's a recipe: www.wine.about.com/od/holidayswithwine/r/mulledwines.htm
I enjoy the holidays, but I also look forward to getting back into the routine. Looking ahead to January too makes me feel that we are even closer to spring.
A quick recap of Christmas celebrated (as opposed to cancelled) is that I went up north to my hometown. My aunt and I rode together. There is something especially wonderful about 4 hours each way in a car. We shared a lot, and it's always thought provoking and insightful to spend time with her. I imagine some of our conversation will be referenced in future posts as we covered so many topics.
The weather was beautiful. My cousin has an amazing log home, and the highlight of the home, to me, is the floor to ceiling stone fireplace. Can you ask for a more perfect setting for a Christmas celebration? Well, there is one more detail that made me pause and think, "wow, this is like a storybook" - her three year old blonde haired brown eyed little girl with braids and wearing a flannel dress, opening the gifts under the huge Charlie Brown see through Christmas tree. It was really sweet.
I didn't miss my kids any more than I normally do. I think it was the combination of growing up believing it was just another day, and the reality that it is just another day. They were having their own fun and building their own lives elsewhere. I think that the divorce process has taught me a lot about letting go.
Eventually, my kids will leave and be out on their own, pursuing their own dreams and making their own traditions. Since I have the tendency to be a "holder-onner", protective, sentimental, the whole bit, it's been a good lesson for me to think about the fact that my kids are their own people. Their world will not always revolve around me, nor would I want it to. The job of a parent is to raise their children to be free adults -take nature as a lesson. Baby animals are taught skills for their survival, and then they are set free (or pushed from the nest) to explore this great big world all on their own.
In conclusion, it's nice to be back home.
I went to yoga tonight and had such a fabulous work out that I felt like I had just had a massage. I really liked the poses and order of poses we did tonight.
Now it's to bed early to be able to be a functioning drone at work tomorrow. I'm so ready for a vacation, somewhere warm .... I'm visualizing fist fulls of warm sand, staring out at the ocean, smiling.
Good Night and Happy New Year! One more big holiday to go.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Winter's surprises
Well I guess it's not really a surprise to be sick in the winter time. We spend a lot more time indoors, the germs are a'breedin' because it's nice and toasty in our warm shelters.
So I ended up with the stomach flu yesterday and today. My kids did too. We've been sort of out of commission this weekend. But there's no other choice but to lay low and recover.
If you're of a weak stomach, I'll warn that I'm going to start writing about throwing up in the next paragraph.
I'm not going to go into huge detail. I just have to say how noticeably harder it is to throw up as I get older. I mean, it takes a lot out of me. For one thing, I fight it so hard. I have this hope that it will just go away and I won't have to go through the actual act of vomiting. Then when I finally let go, it is so violent. I end up with broken blood vessels on my face. I probably throw up once every couple of years, so it's a very traumatic experience for my body. Maybe I should throw up more often to take the drama out of it.
Anyway, the stomach virus or whatever you call it is not a fun way to spend a weekend.
I'm a little sad too because tonight I was supposed to host Christmas for my kids. Some of my family was going to come over, and some friends too. But we've made the most of it anyway. They each opened their gifts and I'm cooking the duck for us right now. It was my oldest son's request. I've never made one before, so we'll see how it goes. I'm doing mashed potatoes, the whole big feast bit for us because they'll be with their dad next weekend.
Also, changes are everywhere.
I just got off the phone with a friend who talked to me about a job. I'm so excited about the prospect of better work conditions. The stress of my current job is exhausting. It's interesting how you can sort of feel trapped.
A job is like a relationship or even a marriage. And if it's unhealthy, it's not the simplest process to get out. Sometimes people make it seem simple, "Just get out. Find something new." But there's a lot involved. The whole searching process, honing the resume, the interview process, and so forth -- it is a vulnerable experience, for one thing, and it's also time consuming. So, if you're really busy and stressed out in your current job, it can be a challenge to even start looking. I admit I have been a bit of a dreamer in my life, just thinking things will drop into my lap. It usually doesn't work that way. Things usually involve hard work. So step one is recognizing the importance of a change. Then going after your dream.... you first have to identify the dream.
In this case, it's simple. I want to leave that place. I need something better. I deserve something healthier. I deserve to take time off and not come back to a mess. I deserve to be able to leave early for my son's recognition assembly at school without being in tears because of the stress of leaving things unfinished. I truly can't do it any longer. And, I guess that's what it takes for me. I finally have to be pushed to a point where I can't go back, and I can't recover. It's also acceptance of the fact that things will not change, no matter how much I wish they will. I just find myself being worn out and directing energy toward a black hole.
In the meantime, I'm looking forward to having a couple of days off. I hope to take my kids tubing at Wild Mountain or something either tomorrow or Tuesday, depending on how we all feel in this sort of weakened condition.
And.... drumroll.... Tuesday is the solstice. I can't wait! We are doing something special because it's a full moon and a lunar eclipse. It only happens every 500 years or something. I'll give more details later. We're going moonlight sledding with tummies full of warm drinks. There's always a light at the end of the stomach flu.
Peace!
So I ended up with the stomach flu yesterday and today. My kids did too. We've been sort of out of commission this weekend. But there's no other choice but to lay low and recover.
If you're of a weak stomach, I'll warn that I'm going to start writing about throwing up in the next paragraph.
I'm not going to go into huge detail. I just have to say how noticeably harder it is to throw up as I get older. I mean, it takes a lot out of me. For one thing, I fight it so hard. I have this hope that it will just go away and I won't have to go through the actual act of vomiting. Then when I finally let go, it is so violent. I end up with broken blood vessels on my face. I probably throw up once every couple of years, so it's a very traumatic experience for my body. Maybe I should throw up more often to take the drama out of it.
Anyway, the stomach virus or whatever you call it is not a fun way to spend a weekend.
I'm a little sad too because tonight I was supposed to host Christmas for my kids. Some of my family was going to come over, and some friends too. But we've made the most of it anyway. They each opened their gifts and I'm cooking the duck for us right now. It was my oldest son's request. I've never made one before, so we'll see how it goes. I'm doing mashed potatoes, the whole big feast bit for us because they'll be with their dad next weekend.
Also, changes are everywhere.
I just got off the phone with a friend who talked to me about a job. I'm so excited about the prospect of better work conditions. The stress of my current job is exhausting. It's interesting how you can sort of feel trapped.
A job is like a relationship or even a marriage. And if it's unhealthy, it's not the simplest process to get out. Sometimes people make it seem simple, "Just get out. Find something new." But there's a lot involved. The whole searching process, honing the resume, the interview process, and so forth -- it is a vulnerable experience, for one thing, and it's also time consuming. So, if you're really busy and stressed out in your current job, it can be a challenge to even start looking. I admit I have been a bit of a dreamer in my life, just thinking things will drop into my lap. It usually doesn't work that way. Things usually involve hard work. So step one is recognizing the importance of a change. Then going after your dream.... you first have to identify the dream.
In this case, it's simple. I want to leave that place. I need something better. I deserve something healthier. I deserve to take time off and not come back to a mess. I deserve to be able to leave early for my son's recognition assembly at school without being in tears because of the stress of leaving things unfinished. I truly can't do it any longer. And, I guess that's what it takes for me. I finally have to be pushed to a point where I can't go back, and I can't recover. It's also acceptance of the fact that things will not change, no matter how much I wish they will. I just find myself being worn out and directing energy toward a black hole.
In the meantime, I'm looking forward to having a couple of days off. I hope to take my kids tubing at Wild Mountain or something either tomorrow or Tuesday, depending on how we all feel in this sort of weakened condition.
And.... drumroll.... Tuesday is the solstice. I can't wait! We are doing something special because it's a full moon and a lunar eclipse. It only happens every 500 years or something. I'll give more details later. We're going moonlight sledding with tummies full of warm drinks. There's always a light at the end of the stomach flu.
Peace!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Well shut down the city
I can't believe the amount of snow we now have. I've lived in Minnesota my whole life - in Minneapolis for the past 13 years, and I don't recall such a spectacle of Mother Nature.
First of all, it was my birthday weekend. Second, it was the hugest snowstorm ever. It's more than a whole winter's worth already. It's going to be a mess in the spring.
The big bad snow falls make me get nostalgic. I love the way neighbors help each other. I've read similar experiences about hurricanes in the south.
I went out for happy hour Friday night after work. Some other friends and I were supposed to go to Lurcat at 10, but by the time I got home, I was way too tired and lazy. So I cancelled. I don't think anyone minded. Who wants to start the night at 10, especially when there's a storm a brewin'....
So, I went to bed at 10 instead and smiled the whole night through in my cozy down comforter. Ah, I think it's a sign of getting old when staying in is happier than going out.
When I woke up around 6:30, there was plenty of snow. I didn't worry about it, but was happy for an extra incentive to relax. Then when I looked out my window later, after drowsing for a couple of more hours, I couldn't believe the substantial change. My car was now covered.
I was lazy and self indulgent, so I just layed around some more, read, and watched an interesting National Geographic documentary called "Moment of Death" - it addressed an age old question of what death really is -when the heart stops beating? when there is no brain activity? ...thought provoking.... now we have ways to measure things that people didn't have in the past, and yet in a lot of ways, we are clueless still. Death is a fluid concept.
Some friends bought me a birthday present ticket for Doomtree Blowout at First Avenue for that night, but it looked doubtful that we would be able to go. I knew there was no way my car was coming out of the snowbank until it at least stopped snowing.
I watched another movie "Happy Accidents" with Marisa Tomei and Vince D'Onofrio -- about time travel, well sort of, you're not sure. It's worth checking out on a blizzardy day in Minnesota when you're comfortable with being holed up in your warm house.
About 6:30 my friend texted me and said "We're going -we'll pick you up. no pressure."
I was like, "oh hell yes" I'm in - an opportunity to see a show that would be next to empty? A chance to drive around in the snow drifts and run breathlessly in downtown, literally jumping over snowbanks like they were make shift hurdles? Sign me up!
The show turned out to be absolutely perfect. I've never been there when it was so empty. It's hard to judge, but I'm going to say there were less than 200 people there... We had an excellent view... and the energy of the show was fabulous.
Later we went to Bryant Lake Bowl for a delicious burger and nachos. A perfect end to a fun night.
I'm glad I had the chance to see that show. It's not something that would have been on my radar at all. I'm not a huge rap fan, although I do love POS, Atmosphere and Brother Ali. It was great. Dessa is amazing. What a cool lady. I'm always proud of women musicians - like Nona from Dark Dark Dark too - totally different genre of music, but powerful talented women.
I'm probably spelling a ton of things wrong tonight, especially the actors in "Happy Accidents" but oh well. I don't have time to be perfect tonight. I'm going to go to bed shortly so I can get up and do yoga. I'm not waiting for January 1st.
With the bounty of chocolate, cookies, catered lunches treated to us at work non-stop -- and on and on, I have packed on a good ten pounds in the last month. Well, I don't have a scale, but judging by the way my jeans are fitting these days, it's time to make a change- post haste!
By the way, I have to mention how great Dark Dark Dark was last week. Wow. A friend bought me their latest CD and a really amazing black and white poster for my birthday. When I am technologically more proficient, I will upload it. I can't say enough about how much I love Dark Dark Dark and Nona's amazing voice.
And I'll upload a photo of my car cocoon - it started out as a mohawk look , with a ton of snow peaking in the middle, then it morphed into a completely snow encased phenomenon.
I've got a lot of shopping to do tomorrow - so peace and love. Stay warm in your hearts too - it beats the cold.
First of all, it was my birthday weekend. Second, it was the hugest snowstorm ever. It's more than a whole winter's worth already. It's going to be a mess in the spring.
The big bad snow falls make me get nostalgic. I love the way neighbors help each other. I've read similar experiences about hurricanes in the south.
I went out for happy hour Friday night after work. Some other friends and I were supposed to go to Lurcat at 10, but by the time I got home, I was way too tired and lazy. So I cancelled. I don't think anyone minded. Who wants to start the night at 10, especially when there's a storm a brewin'....
So, I went to bed at 10 instead and smiled the whole night through in my cozy down comforter. Ah, I think it's a sign of getting old when staying in is happier than going out.
When I woke up around 6:30, there was plenty of snow. I didn't worry about it, but was happy for an extra incentive to relax. Then when I looked out my window later, after drowsing for a couple of more hours, I couldn't believe the substantial change. My car was now covered.
I was lazy and self indulgent, so I just layed around some more, read, and watched an interesting National Geographic documentary called "Moment of Death" - it addressed an age old question of what death really is -when the heart stops beating? when there is no brain activity? ...thought provoking.... now we have ways to measure things that people didn't have in the past, and yet in a lot of ways, we are clueless still. Death is a fluid concept.
Some friends bought me a birthday present ticket for Doomtree Blowout at First Avenue for that night, but it looked doubtful that we would be able to go. I knew there was no way my car was coming out of the snowbank until it at least stopped snowing.
I watched another movie "Happy Accidents" with Marisa Tomei and Vince D'Onofrio -- about time travel, well sort of, you're not sure. It's worth checking out on a blizzardy day in Minnesota when you're comfortable with being holed up in your warm house.
About 6:30 my friend texted me and said "We're going -we'll pick you up. no pressure."
I was like, "oh hell yes" I'm in - an opportunity to see a show that would be next to empty? A chance to drive around in the snow drifts and run breathlessly in downtown, literally jumping over snowbanks like they were make shift hurdles? Sign me up!
The show turned out to be absolutely perfect. I've never been there when it was so empty. It's hard to judge, but I'm going to say there were less than 200 people there... We had an excellent view... and the energy of the show was fabulous.
Later we went to Bryant Lake Bowl for a delicious burger and nachos. A perfect end to a fun night.
I'm glad I had the chance to see that show. It's not something that would have been on my radar at all. I'm not a huge rap fan, although I do love POS, Atmosphere and Brother Ali. It was great. Dessa is amazing. What a cool lady. I'm always proud of women musicians - like Nona from Dark Dark Dark too - totally different genre of music, but powerful talented women.
I'm probably spelling a ton of things wrong tonight, especially the actors in "Happy Accidents" but oh well. I don't have time to be perfect tonight. I'm going to go to bed shortly so I can get up and do yoga. I'm not waiting for January 1st.
With the bounty of chocolate, cookies, catered lunches treated to us at work non-stop -- and on and on, I have packed on a good ten pounds in the last month. Well, I don't have a scale, but judging by the way my jeans are fitting these days, it's time to make a change- post haste!
By the way, I have to mention how great Dark Dark Dark was last week. Wow. A friend bought me their latest CD and a really amazing black and white poster for my birthday. When I am technologically more proficient, I will upload it. I can't say enough about how much I love Dark Dark Dark and Nona's amazing voice.
And I'll upload a photo of my car cocoon - it started out as a mohawk look , with a ton of snow peaking in the middle, then it morphed into a completely snow encased phenomenon.
I've got a lot of shopping to do tomorrow - so peace and love. Stay warm in your hearts too - it beats the cold.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Always learning
What's on my mind today?
Related to work, I am a loud mouth. Sometimes I am sick of my own voice. I am sick of my opinions. Just be quiet. But I can't. I'm some kind of extrovert who has to be involved in everything.
We have a meeting tomorrow, the first one in a year. And everyone wants to voice their opinion and everyone is literally afraid to... or we all agree, we've been beat down for so long - and the reality is this is how the company is run. Who are we to change it? I think we're worth getting what we want. We work really hard and we have each other's backs. It's a great group to work with.
So, chances are, I will end up being a loud mouth.
Last week, my manager was helping me with something and I was really upset because a situation had spiraled out of my control and next thing I knew, there were people waiting in the office for me. I usually don't have direct contact with the borrowers. And yet, there they were. So I was having a tantrum and I finally yelled at her, "And by the way we need a new fucking printer back there!" The jam I had just been down on my hands and knees fixing was the proverbial straw. She simply looked at me and turned back to her computer. I knew I had probably crossed a line.
She told the story later laughing and teasing me. And I apologized of course.
I guess I am just really full of life right now or something.
This writing seems unharmonious...
unlike my yoga class last night.
I am going next Monday. The best part is the people who were there. It's for the purpose of yoga and spirituality, not competition. And the instructor was so great about that too- just do what you can do. It's about you and your body. Another neat part of that is I had no expectations at all. When I found the class online, I was really excited about where it was, the description, and that it seemed simple. And it's every Monday evening, which works with my schedule.
I was also excited by the sun salutations we did, fitting for my recently renewed love of the sun and the upcoming solstice.
The kids and I had a great evening tonight. I made dinner. My youngest and I played a game he made up with Harry Potter Lego. I helped my oldest with his homework.
I wanted to show them some of Kyria Abrahams videos on Youtube because I thought my oldest especially would get them.
We ended up diverting to a couple of videos about Madalyn Murray O'Hair and her fight for removing prayer from public schools. I guess I didn't really know much about her. It's an interesting story. One book that seems worth checking out is "America's Most Hated Woman- the life and gruesome death of Madalyn Murray O'Hair." by Ann Rowe Seaman. Of course, as I looked at the reviews, one reader said it was poorly written. We'll see.
I'd like my next book read to be "The Alchemist". I'll have to track that down.
Alright, I'm ending this now. The writing energy is not flowing through me tonight. This is possibly a post I'll delete. But then again, maybe it's good to see the times where it just doesn't flow or come together.
Tomorrow night is Dark, Dark, Dark at The Cedar. I can't wait for that! Check their music out: www.myspace.com/darkdarkdarkband Can anyone sing like Nona? No.
Related to work, I am a loud mouth. Sometimes I am sick of my own voice. I am sick of my opinions. Just be quiet. But I can't. I'm some kind of extrovert who has to be involved in everything.
We have a meeting tomorrow, the first one in a year. And everyone wants to voice their opinion and everyone is literally afraid to... or we all agree, we've been beat down for so long - and the reality is this is how the company is run. Who are we to change it? I think we're worth getting what we want. We work really hard and we have each other's backs. It's a great group to work with.
So, chances are, I will end up being a loud mouth.
Last week, my manager was helping me with something and I was really upset because a situation had spiraled out of my control and next thing I knew, there were people waiting in the office for me. I usually don't have direct contact with the borrowers. And yet, there they were. So I was having a tantrum and I finally yelled at her, "And by the way we need a new fucking printer back there!" The jam I had just been down on my hands and knees fixing was the proverbial straw. She simply looked at me and turned back to her computer. I knew I had probably crossed a line.
She told the story later laughing and teasing me. And I apologized of course.
I guess I am just really full of life right now or something.
This writing seems unharmonious...
unlike my yoga class last night.
I am going next Monday. The best part is the people who were there. It's for the purpose of yoga and spirituality, not competition. And the instructor was so great about that too- just do what you can do. It's about you and your body. Another neat part of that is I had no expectations at all. When I found the class online, I was really excited about where it was, the description, and that it seemed simple. And it's every Monday evening, which works with my schedule.
I was also excited by the sun salutations we did, fitting for my recently renewed love of the sun and the upcoming solstice.
The kids and I had a great evening tonight. I made dinner. My youngest and I played a game he made up with Harry Potter Lego. I helped my oldest with his homework.
I wanted to show them some of Kyria Abrahams videos on Youtube because I thought my oldest especially would get them.
We ended up diverting to a couple of videos about Madalyn Murray O'Hair and her fight for removing prayer from public schools. I guess I didn't really know much about her. It's an interesting story. One book that seems worth checking out is "America's Most Hated Woman- the life and gruesome death of Madalyn Murray O'Hair." by Ann Rowe Seaman. Of course, as I looked at the reviews, one reader said it was poorly written. We'll see.
I'd like my next book read to be "The Alchemist". I'll have to track that down.
Alright, I'm ending this now. The writing energy is not flowing through me tonight. This is possibly a post I'll delete. But then again, maybe it's good to see the times where it just doesn't flow or come together.
Tomorrow night is Dark, Dark, Dark at The Cedar. I can't wait for that! Check their music out: www.myspace.com/darkdarkdarkband Can anyone sing like Nona? No.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Being Brave
This is my second post today, but when it calls, it calls.
I ended up revisiting a book I read last year, "I'm Perfect, You're Doomed -Tales From a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing" by Kyria Abrahams.
Thank you to Kyria and to everyone who is brave enough to share stories of a confusing upbringing, for lack of a better description... and then the final realization as an adult (if you are lucky) that you were raised in a cult.
Her blog is interesting. http://www.kyriaabrahams.blogspot.com/ -- of course, I make no claim to be objective because if her childhood doesn't begin to make sense to you, you might not have the same reading experience I had. You might not laugh as I did and you probably won't cry as I did... because she is spot on in describing the idiosyncrasies of Jehovah's Witnesses families.
I've been thinking a lot about my background lately. I shy away from accepting I was robbed- after all, I tell myself, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Maybe I'm afraid to face it. Maybe I avoid the intense emotions of feeling cheated out of parents who can love me unconditionally. Well, wait - here's the mind fuck. They do love me, but they just need me to come back to the "flock" so they can really love me. It's like there's this really loud barking vicious dog that stands between my parents and me... one of my brothers too. It's personified as this cult that claims to be "the truth" - but wait, don't they all?
I don't know how to tame this beast. I don't know how to beat it, hurdle it, call it what you will. It's so subtle. It's like fighting the wind, just leaves you tired and spent. The neurosis runs so deep. It's like they've built train tracks for the same route, over and over, and how do you suggest that there might be other places to see on this planet? They can't even begin to comprehend it.
It reminds me a little of "The Truman Show" - your whole life you've been painted one reality. But it's not the way things really are. You're lucky you saw the crack or heard the record skip. I also often go back to "The Wizard of Oz" - the scary entity is a scared little man behind a curtain. And what's the point?
Ah, I could go on and on and this is perhaps best saved for a better time. But Kyria got me thinking about all of this injustice... and how people give up their thinking and feeling faculties because they're too damn scared to figure it out on their own. Somebody told them they were bad or a failure or incompetent, and they believed it.
But really, we're all figuring it out as we go. A good friend calls this whole life experience "workshopping" - dealing with relationships --- we're just workshopping, we're just making it up as we go... and that is beautiful because it's real.
By the way, I took a beautiful yoga class tonight taught by a beautiful man... and I felt something deeper than I've felt in a long time. This may be something and this may be nothing. But it's a start either way. He had Johnny Depp hair- I'm sorry if that might offend him, but I was dreaming the other night that I needed a man with Johnny Depp hair that he could tuck behind his ears, just the right length. He was really sweet, this Yoga instructor, and I warmed to his sincerity. I read recently that smiling at people is a way of sending your love to them. His smile touched my heart. God, I sound so corny. But, can I possibly describe how refreshing it was to be amongst real people, not the decked out in all the right gear people, but the mom with her two kids and the sort of awkward doctor who was on call? Beauty, pure beauty. And a fabulous work out to boot! I'm on top of the world.
The energy was good and it was what I needed. So, thank you to the universe for that.
Good Night ----
I ended up revisiting a book I read last year, "I'm Perfect, You're Doomed -Tales From a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing" by Kyria Abrahams.
Thank you to Kyria and to everyone who is brave enough to share stories of a confusing upbringing, for lack of a better description... and then the final realization as an adult (if you are lucky) that you were raised in a cult.
Her blog is interesting. http://www.kyriaabrahams.blogspot.com/ -- of course, I make no claim to be objective because if her childhood doesn't begin to make sense to you, you might not have the same reading experience I had. You might not laugh as I did and you probably won't cry as I did... because she is spot on in describing the idiosyncrasies of Jehovah's Witnesses families.
I've been thinking a lot about my background lately. I shy away from accepting I was robbed- after all, I tell myself, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Maybe I'm afraid to face it. Maybe I avoid the intense emotions of feeling cheated out of parents who can love me unconditionally. Well, wait - here's the mind fuck. They do love me, but they just need me to come back to the "flock" so they can really love me. It's like there's this really loud barking vicious dog that stands between my parents and me... one of my brothers too. It's personified as this cult that claims to be "the truth" - but wait, don't they all?
I don't know how to tame this beast. I don't know how to beat it, hurdle it, call it what you will. It's so subtle. It's like fighting the wind, just leaves you tired and spent. The neurosis runs so deep. It's like they've built train tracks for the same route, over and over, and how do you suggest that there might be other places to see on this planet? They can't even begin to comprehend it.
It reminds me a little of "The Truman Show" - your whole life you've been painted one reality. But it's not the way things really are. You're lucky you saw the crack or heard the record skip. I also often go back to "The Wizard of Oz" - the scary entity is a scared little man behind a curtain. And what's the point?
Ah, I could go on and on and this is perhaps best saved for a better time. But Kyria got me thinking about all of this injustice... and how people give up their thinking and feeling faculties because they're too damn scared to figure it out on their own. Somebody told them they were bad or a failure or incompetent, and they believed it.
But really, we're all figuring it out as we go. A good friend calls this whole life experience "workshopping" - dealing with relationships --- we're just workshopping, we're just making it up as we go... and that is beautiful because it's real.
By the way, I took a beautiful yoga class tonight taught by a beautiful man... and I felt something deeper than I've felt in a long time. This may be something and this may be nothing. But it's a start either way. He had Johnny Depp hair- I'm sorry if that might offend him, but I was dreaming the other night that I needed a man with Johnny Depp hair that he could tuck behind his ears, just the right length. He was really sweet, this Yoga instructor, and I warmed to his sincerity. I read recently that smiling at people is a way of sending your love to them. His smile touched my heart. God, I sound so corny. But, can I possibly describe how refreshing it was to be amongst real people, not the decked out in all the right gear people, but the mom with her two kids and the sort of awkward doctor who was on call? Beauty, pure beauty. And a fabulous work out to boot! I'm on top of the world.
The energy was good and it was what I needed. So, thank you to the universe for that.
Good Night ----
Can't read it enough
My aunt reminded me of this poem again today. It is so beautiful and perfect. I should print it out and carry it around in front of my face to remind me of the best way to live and treat people.
desiderata - by max ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
desiderata - by max ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The joy of reading
It surprises me, over and over again, how much I can enjoy reading a book. It's akin to the simplicity described by Ani DiFranco's lyrics singing of goldfish on her album "Little Plastic Castle". She sings, "goldfish have no memory, it seems their lives are much like mine and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time."
It's as simple as being surprised by how warm the sun feels on a winter day. My aunt and I were having that discussion a couple of days ago- how remarkable the sun is. And when these winter days are cold, short, and often grey, when the sun is out and the sky is blue, it feels like a different season. It feels like hope.
I was on a walk last Sunday around the lake and the sun was big and orange in the sky, making its quick descent as it does these days. It reminded me of a pregnant belly. It was so big and round, and pulsating with warm, orange life. I was reminded of how my pregnant belly generated heat and vitality, moving visibly under my clothing as the life inside it seemed to run from side to side. The sun was exceptionally beautiful that day and reminded me of a Roman goddess. The thought came to me that no wonder the sun was worshipped, and still is in a way. No wonder humans created these winter holidays to celebrate rebirth and warmth. We can be grateful for the evergreens that add life and color to the white landscape. And isn't it quite genius to have thought of bringing a fresh smelling evergreen inside your home, decorating it with sparkling lights and color, to maybe remind you of the sun, bright stars and hope of warmer days ahead. We can be grateful we can depend on the seasons. We know this will end and the warmer days will circle back around.
In the meantime, the snow is a fabulous entity of its own. My kids and I went sledding yesterday and loved being outside. It was fresh and perfect. My oldest taught his almost four year old cousin to eat snow. She had never eaten it and in fact, didn't know it could be eaten. Her mom and I marveled for a minute at this revelation- why would she think she could eat it, logically? She couldn't eat dirt or mud, but here was this new sensation of having something so cold melt into water in her mouth. It was a neat experience to be part of. Of course, once she started she didn't want to stop. We talked about how the texture of snow is so perfect- it can't be replicated by a snow cone machine, and in fact, the ice of a slushee is sometimes a little bit abrasive on your tongue. I'm really glad we were able to be outside and enjoy this facet of winter. The best coping plan for the chilly, dark days is to relinquish to making the most of it. Go sledding by moonlight. Have a backyard fire. Enjoy it as much as possible.
I finished reading "Zeitoun" by Dave Eggers this afternoon. It's a true story of a family who was victimized by Hurricane Katrina and the chain of events it caused.
I am a little bit overwhelmed by their story.
Here is my review I posted on goodreads: A reminder of how fragile our complicated way of life is - how humans react to adversity, how they behave when all rules shift and the normal day to day is lost. It reminded me of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road" in it subtle testimony to the nature of people, good or bad, when there is no one watching. And how powerless we can be against the forces of emergency response, on an individual and political level. Thought provoking and sad. "
A review I read of "The Road" said it dealt with themes as old as the Bible. I like that description. There's this age old idea of being nice to people who are being nice to us, how easy it is to be kind when shown kindness, but the true challenge is responding in kindness when we're being treated unfairly and poorly.
The book of Buddhism has an interesting related parable:
"Once there was a rich widow who had a reputation for kindness, modesty and courtesy. She had a housemaid who was wise and diligent.
One day the maid thought: 'My mistress has a very good reputation; I wonder whether she is good by nature or is good because of her surroundings. I will try her and find out.'
The following morning the maid did not appear before her mistress until nearly noon, The mistress was vexed and scolded her impatiently. The maid replied: 'I am lazy for only a day or two, you ought not to become impatient.' Then the mistress became angry.
The next day the maid got up late again. This made the mistress very angry and she struck the maid with a stick. This incident became widely known and the rich widow lost her good reputation.
Most people are like this woman. While their surroundings are satisfactory, they are kind, modest and quiet, but it is questionable if they will behave likewise when the conditions change and become unsatisfactory. "
"Zeitoun" made me think of these complex themes of human behavior.
It also made me realize that I am personally very ill prepared for any type of emergency. I am planning to have some bottled water on hand and some canned goods. I actually feel sort of irresponsible in not even having a flashlight. I've been lulled to sleep in the security of this society, but it's unrealistic. There could be a disabling snow storm. What if I didn't have power for a few days? So, some bottled water, flashlights, and canned goods are on my list. I can walk the fine line between being prepared and paranoid.
Once again, I feel gratitude from what I can learn from the art around me, the people who share their stories so the rest of us may learn.
Peace and sunshine.
It's as simple as being surprised by how warm the sun feels on a winter day. My aunt and I were having that discussion a couple of days ago- how remarkable the sun is. And when these winter days are cold, short, and often grey, when the sun is out and the sky is blue, it feels like a different season. It feels like hope.
I was on a walk last Sunday around the lake and the sun was big and orange in the sky, making its quick descent as it does these days. It reminded me of a pregnant belly. It was so big and round, and pulsating with warm, orange life. I was reminded of how my pregnant belly generated heat and vitality, moving visibly under my clothing as the life inside it seemed to run from side to side. The sun was exceptionally beautiful that day and reminded me of a Roman goddess. The thought came to me that no wonder the sun was worshipped, and still is in a way. No wonder humans created these winter holidays to celebrate rebirth and warmth. We can be grateful for the evergreens that add life and color to the white landscape. And isn't it quite genius to have thought of bringing a fresh smelling evergreen inside your home, decorating it with sparkling lights and color, to maybe remind you of the sun, bright stars and hope of warmer days ahead. We can be grateful we can depend on the seasons. We know this will end and the warmer days will circle back around.
In the meantime, the snow is a fabulous entity of its own. My kids and I went sledding yesterday and loved being outside. It was fresh and perfect. My oldest taught his almost four year old cousin to eat snow. She had never eaten it and in fact, didn't know it could be eaten. Her mom and I marveled for a minute at this revelation- why would she think she could eat it, logically? She couldn't eat dirt or mud, but here was this new sensation of having something so cold melt into water in her mouth. It was a neat experience to be part of. Of course, once she started she didn't want to stop. We talked about how the texture of snow is so perfect- it can't be replicated by a snow cone machine, and in fact, the ice of a slushee is sometimes a little bit abrasive on your tongue. I'm really glad we were able to be outside and enjoy this facet of winter. The best coping plan for the chilly, dark days is to relinquish to making the most of it. Go sledding by moonlight. Have a backyard fire. Enjoy it as much as possible.
I finished reading "Zeitoun" by Dave Eggers this afternoon. It's a true story of a family who was victimized by Hurricane Katrina and the chain of events it caused.
I am a little bit overwhelmed by their story.
Here is my review I posted on goodreads: A reminder of how fragile our complicated way of life is - how humans react to adversity, how they behave when all rules shift and the normal day to day is lost. It reminded me of Cormac McCarthy's "The Road" in it subtle testimony to the nature of people, good or bad, when there is no one watching. And how powerless we can be against the forces of emergency response, on an individual and political level. Thought provoking and sad. "
A review I read of "The Road" said it dealt with themes as old as the Bible. I like that description. There's this age old idea of being nice to people who are being nice to us, how easy it is to be kind when shown kindness, but the true challenge is responding in kindness when we're being treated unfairly and poorly.
The book of Buddhism has an interesting related parable:
"Once there was a rich widow who had a reputation for kindness, modesty and courtesy. She had a housemaid who was wise and diligent.
One day the maid thought: 'My mistress has a very good reputation; I wonder whether she is good by nature or is good because of her surroundings. I will try her and find out.'
The following morning the maid did not appear before her mistress until nearly noon, The mistress was vexed and scolded her impatiently. The maid replied: 'I am lazy for only a day or two, you ought not to become impatient.' Then the mistress became angry.
The next day the maid got up late again. This made the mistress very angry and she struck the maid with a stick. This incident became widely known and the rich widow lost her good reputation.
Most people are like this woman. While their surroundings are satisfactory, they are kind, modest and quiet, but it is questionable if they will behave likewise when the conditions change and become unsatisfactory. "
"Zeitoun" made me think of these complex themes of human behavior.
It also made me realize that I am personally very ill prepared for any type of emergency. I am planning to have some bottled water on hand and some canned goods. I actually feel sort of irresponsible in not even having a flashlight. I've been lulled to sleep in the security of this society, but it's unrealistic. There could be a disabling snow storm. What if I didn't have power for a few days? So, some bottled water, flashlights, and canned goods are on my list. I can walk the fine line between being prepared and paranoid.
Once again, I feel gratitude from what I can learn from the art around me, the people who share their stories so the rest of us may learn.
Peace and sunshine.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A month of opinion and a shout out to Rosa Parks
Hey! It's my birth month! Happy December.
I thought I might post about winter weather and weight gain, but I have a far more pressing topic.
The past couple of years have been a monumental change for me, and I am still working through the layers.
I decided last week to check out the Events and Adventures group online. Sometimes I wonder if I have already written about certain things, but I'm too lazy to go back thru previous posts, so bear with me while I lay the ground work.
One of the things that people in a divorce or break up situation find is that their lives are sort of displaced. You had your routines, you had your groups of friends you did things with as couples, and the girls' night out was maybe once a month. You also did most things as a couple. Now all of a sudden, you have more free time than before. You also find that people have their lives in place, for the most part.
In my case, we did a lot of backpacking, hiking, camping, traveling as a couple and I loved it. We even kayaked the Apostle Islands twice.
Today, I'm totally lucky to have a pretty strong base of friends who are able to do things. But I really wanted to do a lot more camping than I did this past summer. And I really want to go to Guatemala in 2011 (maybe February or March if it all works out) but I don't want to go alone. Will any of my friends be interested in going? I'm not sure.
I was reading City Pages, and I noticed an ad for http://www.eventsandadventures.com/ - it seemed like what I was / am looking for. I checked out the website, sent a request for someone to contact me. They did.
I called them back on Saturday. They require you have an annual income of $20,000, that you don't have a felony and that you're single. Sounds good to me.
I'm not interested in doing anything like match.com - I'm not after a "date" - I'd just like more options when it comes to travel and camping or backpacking on the Superior Hiking Trail, and Washington State - Mount Ranier, lots of options.
First, there was massive confusion about my appointment. I made an appointment for December 1st at 6 p.m. I received an email confirmation on Saturday or Monday verifying that date and time, in black and white. Is this a test? Then Monday evening, someone called me to confirm my appointment for the next day, which would have been Tuesday.
I called back on Tuesday telling them that I had an appointment for Wednesday. They were confused and said, no-it was scheduled for Tuesday. So, then the 6:00 for Wednesday was no longer available. I chose 5:00.
I'm being petty here but what really bugged me was the two voicemails I had saying they were sorry I wasn't able to make it to the Tuesday appointment, implying that I had cancelled when it was their error - Whatever, I know. Maybe this is a personality / psychology test. I don't know. I'm confused.
I was late for the appointment. Traffic was a nightmare. So, when I got to the building, near a closed down Fuddrucker's, I felt bad I was about twenty minutes late. In making my quick assessment of their "facilities". I also recognize that I am a huge marketing sucker and I judge a business by it's cover. The tiny little office with a shoddy furniture and a sad little coffee maker does not scream success and it doesn't scream comfort. It's about appearance when you're trying to sell a membership to someone, and you can get some amazing furniture at Target, Ikea, discount stores, garage sales, you name it- put a little heart into your image.
There were four people in the office - three women and a guy who looked to be about 55.
I apologized for being late. The receptionist started telling me about the paperwork I needed to fill out, the tall blonde lady chit chatted and was friendly, and the third woman went into an office with the man and shut the door.
I sat down to fill things out. The first form asked for basic info - age, income, divorced /single - all boxes to be checked.
Then they had a "strongly agree to strongly disagree" form with bizarre questions, trying to gauge my personality I suppose. Like Myers Briggs, only not as well rounded. Some questions were normal but here is an actual question : "People with herpes deserve it." The answer options were 1 to 5 with 5 being strongly disagree. Is this a joke?
The final form was about things you like, things you'd like to try - predetermined answers ranging from skydiving to the opera.
So, while I was filling out the paperwork, the person I was to meet with was behind closed doors with the man of the group. She was laughing and carrying on so loudly, it was uncomfortable for the other staff. I kept wondering who he was, why was I kept waiting, what was next in the process.
At one point, I wondered if it was actually some kind of psychology test or a "punked" type scenario, where they were waiting to see how I reacted.
The blonde woman, who seemed to be another interviewer, was really nervous about interrupting what was going on behind the closed door. By this point, I had long since filled out the meager paperwork and we were all waiting on my interviewer, who was having a hilarious time behind the mysteriously closed door. I had been waiting for about fifteen minutes. I wasn't bugged by that because I was the one who was late. I thought she was possibly meeting with a potential member, just like me.
But the other interviewer, a couple of times, acted like she was going to knock on the door, but then looked at me for direction on what to do. She questioned me, "Should I knock?" I was sitting there with no idea of how their process works, who's interviewing me - her or the laughing woman (I kid you not- LLLLOOOOOOUUUUDDDDD and shhhhrrrriilllll).
Finally, after she looked at me for direction again, I said "Who is he?" She said, "He's a neighbor from the building, an attorney." Oh, so they're just in there goofing around. It was all making sense to me. She said, "I don't want to interrupt, but you have been waiting for 15 minutes now."
At last, with a burst of courage, she knocked on the door and was invited in. She said, "I'm not sure if you needed this ?" THIS was apparently my paperwork. The interviewer said, "Yes", looked through the partially opened door at me and yelled, "Say your name" because I have an unusual spelling. I said it. She said, "Wow! Never seen it spelled that way before." Then the nervous interviewer walked out of the room, shut the door, and left the two of them in there with my sort of personal information.
About another five minutes passed and the attorney finally came out... leaving it nice and cozy in there for me.
So, the energy between this lady and I was really weird from the get go. Apparently that was when my appointment began. She asked me why I was late. It was awkward because there was an immense lack of information - they seemed to look at me like I knew what to do or what was going on. I didn't. Maybe the phone person didn't prep me enough.
She proceeded to tell me, in fast forward speed, the analysis of my personality - "You like parties but you like to know people there." "It takes you awhile to trust people." I'm not disputing any of what she said, really I don't care if it's accurate or not. She also told me I'm passive aggressive because I agree with someone but go do what I want to do anyway. Does she have me pegged? I don't know but there's something very abrasive about a stranger telling you you're passive aggressive.
She also had a lot of information about my experience as a single mom- that I'm afraid to do nice things for myself, that haven't been ready to start living yet. She used the word play a lot too. "Are you ready to play?"
I found myself becoming increasingly agitated and uncomfortable, but I was trying to see through her presentation (or lack thereof) to the crux of what this group is really about. She showed me a calendar of events.
Some of it is really appealing- there's weekly indoor volleyball on Wednesday nights. There's flag football on Sunday at Van Cleeve park (would it be wrong if I showed up and asked to play innocently on a "walk in the area")? There's trips to Italy, Hawaii, Whistler, and other great options.
The thing is, I can schedule and do these things myself. But what I will give them is that they've done the leg work (sort of) in filtering through people - no felonies, gainfully employed and single. They have maybe, and that's a big maybe, filtered through some of the creeps. I also give them the point that there is always a group ready and willing to do things you might want to do. Like rock climbing? Saturday there's a group of 14 going. You can see how many people have signed up for an event too.
I was really annoyed by her repeated question, "Aren't you ready for your life to begin?" I said, "I'm pretty happy with my life. I was hoping to find a group of people to go camping with and some travel. I don't really need the day to day activities, but I understand the point you're making about having activities available if wanted." Was I being defensive?
This really wasn't a successful interview, especially when she pulled out the laminated sheet about membership. I was really surprised. It is a twelve month membership for $1,995. She slapped it on the table and said, "How much do you want to put down today?" What? Huh? Put down? There was no explanation of monthly withdrawals or what. I still don't know when you would have to come up with the balance of what you put down.
Looking back on my initial conversation on the phone, I see they were rather elusive about membership. But, who wouldn't be? If they said up front, "It's a mere $2,000 per year...." would anyone interview?
When I said I wasn't ready to commit to anything and I'd like to think about it, she started drilling me with why not? what are you afraid of? Why don't you think you deserve this? That one killed me. So, as politely as I could, I said, "I don't like this high pressure sales pitch." She immediately replied, "I'm not pressuring you!" I said "I'll think about it." She said, "Well, when you decide you deserve to do something for yourself, you let me know." I stood up to leave and she started to make small talk about the weather that she thinks is warm because she's from Houston. If only I had a record of the conversation - I forgot to mention that she asked me when I sat down if I minded her accent, blinky blinky (her eyes).
If you ever want to really bug me, tell me what I'm thinking and feeling.
The whole experience leaves me agitated and frustrated. Granted, a big part of it is probably her presentation, and my irritation at being told who I am and what I am doing. Why not ask me some questions? Ask me what I'm looking for and why? Not assumptions and classifications.
I also think paying that much money doesn't make sense for me. I have a good social life and if I get more involved with taking classes and organizing things, I will have even more to do.
I'm taking a class at Mercury Mosaics as an example. If you receive the groupon email, you'll know that they recently had a half price coupon for a class. Check out their website at http://www.mercurymosaics.com/. They're located in NE. And sign up for groupon while you're at it. Some of the deals are fabulous.. or fabuless because they save you money.
Someday I'll refine my story of my experience at Events and Adventures.... and I'll sell it.... or I'll use it to help them with their marketing strategy or their training of their associates. Their marketing and sales approach are disasters... or she was a disaster. I would have to do more research to compare tactics and personalities.
Or, I'll start my own group specific to Minneapolis with all sorts of activities like pottery classes, child care, on and on. Is this my calling? Will I someday have Events and Adventures to thank for my business success?
I'm a critic, what can I say. But I'm not apologizing. She could have taken a whole different approach. Her sales pitch simply did not work for me.
Here's the wonderful lesson I take away from tonight - I'm doing pretty well and I can be more proactive in organizing things and finding people who are interested in what I am. It's simple. Joining Events and Adventures would sort of be like using a travel agent to book a vacation for you, rather than orbitz or sherman's travel. I just don't need it... and for $1995, I can go to Guatemala and then some!
On another note - a big moment to think about Rosa Parks. Google did a nice tribute.
www.latimesblogs.latimes.com/2010/12-google-doodles-go-mobile.html - not sure how long that link will be good for. But, she is an inspirational icon in standing up for what we know is right.
Thanks for reading - a toast to our own events and adventures. We're responsible for our happiness, after all.
I thought I might post about winter weather and weight gain, but I have a far more pressing topic.
The past couple of years have been a monumental change for me, and I am still working through the layers.
I decided last week to check out the Events and Adventures group online. Sometimes I wonder if I have already written about certain things, but I'm too lazy to go back thru previous posts, so bear with me while I lay the ground work.
One of the things that people in a divorce or break up situation find is that their lives are sort of displaced. You had your routines, you had your groups of friends you did things with as couples, and the girls' night out was maybe once a month. You also did most things as a couple. Now all of a sudden, you have more free time than before. You also find that people have their lives in place, for the most part.
In my case, we did a lot of backpacking, hiking, camping, traveling as a couple and I loved it. We even kayaked the Apostle Islands twice.
Today, I'm totally lucky to have a pretty strong base of friends who are able to do things. But I really wanted to do a lot more camping than I did this past summer. And I really want to go to Guatemala in 2011 (maybe February or March if it all works out) but I don't want to go alone. Will any of my friends be interested in going? I'm not sure.
I was reading City Pages, and I noticed an ad for http://www.eventsandadventures.com/ - it seemed like what I was / am looking for. I checked out the website, sent a request for someone to contact me. They did.
I called them back on Saturday. They require you have an annual income of $20,000, that you don't have a felony and that you're single. Sounds good to me.
I'm not interested in doing anything like match.com - I'm not after a "date" - I'd just like more options when it comes to travel and camping or backpacking on the Superior Hiking Trail, and Washington State - Mount Ranier, lots of options.
First, there was massive confusion about my appointment. I made an appointment for December 1st at 6 p.m. I received an email confirmation on Saturday or Monday verifying that date and time, in black and white. Is this a test? Then Monday evening, someone called me to confirm my appointment for the next day, which would have been Tuesday.
I called back on Tuesday telling them that I had an appointment for Wednesday. They were confused and said, no-it was scheduled for Tuesday. So, then the 6:00 for Wednesday was no longer available. I chose 5:00.
I'm being petty here but what really bugged me was the two voicemails I had saying they were sorry I wasn't able to make it to the Tuesday appointment, implying that I had cancelled when it was their error - Whatever, I know. Maybe this is a personality / psychology test. I don't know. I'm confused.
I was late for the appointment. Traffic was a nightmare. So, when I got to the building, near a closed down Fuddrucker's, I felt bad I was about twenty minutes late. In making my quick assessment of their "facilities". I also recognize that I am a huge marketing sucker and I judge a business by it's cover. The tiny little office with a shoddy furniture and a sad little coffee maker does not scream success and it doesn't scream comfort. It's about appearance when you're trying to sell a membership to someone, and you can get some amazing furniture at Target, Ikea, discount stores, garage sales, you name it- put a little heart into your image.
There were four people in the office - three women and a guy who looked to be about 55.
I apologized for being late. The receptionist started telling me about the paperwork I needed to fill out, the tall blonde lady chit chatted and was friendly, and the third woman went into an office with the man and shut the door.
I sat down to fill things out. The first form asked for basic info - age, income, divorced /single - all boxes to be checked.
Then they had a "strongly agree to strongly disagree" form with bizarre questions, trying to gauge my personality I suppose. Like Myers Briggs, only not as well rounded. Some questions were normal but here is an actual question : "People with herpes deserve it." The answer options were 1 to 5 with 5 being strongly disagree. Is this a joke?
The final form was about things you like, things you'd like to try - predetermined answers ranging from skydiving to the opera.
So, while I was filling out the paperwork, the person I was to meet with was behind closed doors with the man of the group. She was laughing and carrying on so loudly, it was uncomfortable for the other staff. I kept wondering who he was, why was I kept waiting, what was next in the process.
At one point, I wondered if it was actually some kind of psychology test or a "punked" type scenario, where they were waiting to see how I reacted.
The blonde woman, who seemed to be another interviewer, was really nervous about interrupting what was going on behind the closed door. By this point, I had long since filled out the meager paperwork and we were all waiting on my interviewer, who was having a hilarious time behind the mysteriously closed door. I had been waiting for about fifteen minutes. I wasn't bugged by that because I was the one who was late. I thought she was possibly meeting with a potential member, just like me.
But the other interviewer, a couple of times, acted like she was going to knock on the door, but then looked at me for direction on what to do. She questioned me, "Should I knock?" I was sitting there with no idea of how their process works, who's interviewing me - her or the laughing woman (I kid you not- LLLLOOOOOOUUUUDDDDD and shhhhrrrriilllll).
Finally, after she looked at me for direction again, I said "Who is he?" She said, "He's a neighbor from the building, an attorney." Oh, so they're just in there goofing around. It was all making sense to me. She said, "I don't want to interrupt, but you have been waiting for 15 minutes now."
At last, with a burst of courage, she knocked on the door and was invited in. She said, "I'm not sure if you needed this ?" THIS was apparently my paperwork. The interviewer said, "Yes", looked through the partially opened door at me and yelled, "Say your name" because I have an unusual spelling. I said it. She said, "Wow! Never seen it spelled that way before." Then the nervous interviewer walked out of the room, shut the door, and left the two of them in there with my sort of personal information.
About another five minutes passed and the attorney finally came out... leaving it nice and cozy in there for me.
So, the energy between this lady and I was really weird from the get go. Apparently that was when my appointment began. She asked me why I was late. It was awkward because there was an immense lack of information - they seemed to look at me like I knew what to do or what was going on. I didn't. Maybe the phone person didn't prep me enough.
She proceeded to tell me, in fast forward speed, the analysis of my personality - "You like parties but you like to know people there." "It takes you awhile to trust people." I'm not disputing any of what she said, really I don't care if it's accurate or not. She also told me I'm passive aggressive because I agree with someone but go do what I want to do anyway. Does she have me pegged? I don't know but there's something very abrasive about a stranger telling you you're passive aggressive.
She also had a lot of information about my experience as a single mom- that I'm afraid to do nice things for myself, that haven't been ready to start living yet. She used the word play a lot too. "Are you ready to play?"
I found myself becoming increasingly agitated and uncomfortable, but I was trying to see through her presentation (or lack thereof) to the crux of what this group is really about. She showed me a calendar of events.
Some of it is really appealing- there's weekly indoor volleyball on Wednesday nights. There's flag football on Sunday at Van Cleeve park (would it be wrong if I showed up and asked to play innocently on a "walk in the area")? There's trips to Italy, Hawaii, Whistler, and other great options.
The thing is, I can schedule and do these things myself. But what I will give them is that they've done the leg work (sort of) in filtering through people - no felonies, gainfully employed and single. They have maybe, and that's a big maybe, filtered through some of the creeps. I also give them the point that there is always a group ready and willing to do things you might want to do. Like rock climbing? Saturday there's a group of 14 going. You can see how many people have signed up for an event too.
I was really annoyed by her repeated question, "Aren't you ready for your life to begin?" I said, "I'm pretty happy with my life. I was hoping to find a group of people to go camping with and some travel. I don't really need the day to day activities, but I understand the point you're making about having activities available if wanted." Was I being defensive?
This really wasn't a successful interview, especially when she pulled out the laminated sheet about membership. I was really surprised. It is a twelve month membership for $1,995. She slapped it on the table and said, "How much do you want to put down today?" What? Huh? Put down? There was no explanation of monthly withdrawals or what. I still don't know when you would have to come up with the balance of what you put down.
Looking back on my initial conversation on the phone, I see they were rather elusive about membership. But, who wouldn't be? If they said up front, "It's a mere $2,000 per year...." would anyone interview?
When I said I wasn't ready to commit to anything and I'd like to think about it, she started drilling me with why not? what are you afraid of? Why don't you think you deserve this? That one killed me. So, as politely as I could, I said, "I don't like this high pressure sales pitch." She immediately replied, "I'm not pressuring you!" I said "I'll think about it." She said, "Well, when you decide you deserve to do something for yourself, you let me know." I stood up to leave and she started to make small talk about the weather that she thinks is warm because she's from Houston. If only I had a record of the conversation - I forgot to mention that she asked me when I sat down if I minded her accent, blinky blinky (her eyes).
If you ever want to really bug me, tell me what I'm thinking and feeling.
The whole experience leaves me agitated and frustrated. Granted, a big part of it is probably her presentation, and my irritation at being told who I am and what I am doing. Why not ask me some questions? Ask me what I'm looking for and why? Not assumptions and classifications.
I also think paying that much money doesn't make sense for me. I have a good social life and if I get more involved with taking classes and organizing things, I will have even more to do.
I'm taking a class at Mercury Mosaics as an example. If you receive the groupon email, you'll know that they recently had a half price coupon for a class. Check out their website at http://www.mercurymosaics.com/. They're located in NE. And sign up for groupon while you're at it. Some of the deals are fabulous.. or fabuless because they save you money.
Someday I'll refine my story of my experience at Events and Adventures.... and I'll sell it.... or I'll use it to help them with their marketing strategy or their training of their associates. Their marketing and sales approach are disasters... or she was a disaster. I would have to do more research to compare tactics and personalities.
Or, I'll start my own group specific to Minneapolis with all sorts of activities like pottery classes, child care, on and on. Is this my calling? Will I someday have Events and Adventures to thank for my business success?
I'm a critic, what can I say. But I'm not apologizing. She could have taken a whole different approach. Her sales pitch simply did not work for me.
Here's the wonderful lesson I take away from tonight - I'm doing pretty well and I can be more proactive in organizing things and finding people who are interested in what I am. It's simple. Joining Events and Adventures would sort of be like using a travel agent to book a vacation for you, rather than orbitz or sherman's travel. I just don't need it... and for $1995, I can go to Guatemala and then some!
On another note - a big moment to think about Rosa Parks. Google did a nice tribute.
www.latimesblogs.latimes.com/2010/12-google-doodles-go-mobile.html - not sure how long that link will be good for. But, she is an inspirational icon in standing up for what we know is right.
Thanks for reading - a toast to our own events and adventures. We're responsible for our happiness, after all.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Darkness reigns for a few more weeks
Winter darkness is on my mind a lot today as I notice a significant change in my level of energy. It seems all I want to do is come home from work, snuggle up on the couch and expend no more energy than what it takes to stare at some episodes of 30 Rock and chuckle along.
By the way, I started recently with Season 1. I may have mentioned this already, but I laugh out loud repeatedly in each episode. Steamy foreign films? Take a backseat to 30 Rock for now. Tina Fey is sheer genius, and the combination of her character and Alec Baldwin's - ahhhh, wonderfully talented writing.
I say this about watching 30 Rock and doing nothing, but keep in mind I have two boys. We actually baked chocolate chip cookies tonight. But in my parallel universe, I had zzzz's above my head- the big puffy drowsy kind.
Back to the darkness discussion - what can we learn? The sunset today was at 4:33 p.m. We have this trend for another 3 weeks until the equinox.
My friends and I celebrate the solstice, and I thought I knew a lot about the origins of holidays, winter traditions and so forth, especially in view of my religious background, but I wanted to do some more research on the whole deal. I'll share a little bit of what I learned.
First of all, in case you don't know this, the winter solstice marks the longest night and shortest day of the year. This year it is December 21st. (It's either the 20th or the 21st, depending on the year). So, in optimistic thinking, after that day, the days will begin to get longer- until June!
What I really like about the solstice is this- it has so many layers. There is the astronomical layer, the astrological layer, the mathematical layer , and the cultural layer, for starters.
We start with a natural phenomenon, amazing in itself, and layered in complex mathematics- the tilt of the earth, the revolution and rotation of the earth. Then we have what humans throughout all of history have done with this natural state of science, nature- call it what you will, incorporating our human traditions and celebrations.
One thing I'd like to research more relates to something I read today - that the mysterious Stonehenge is a perfect marker of both the summer and winter solstices. I don't remember ever reading that. National Geographic featured Stonehenge a couple of years ago. Scientists had found evidence of brutality in the fossil discoveries. They weren't sure if it was due to the hard work involved in creating it- as in, a lot of people died trying to move those big stones... or if there was something more cruel that went on related to the rituals that may have surrounded the structure itself. This is, of course, strictly my synopsis of the article based on a weak memory of something I read awhile ago, so it's worth revisiting.
There was also a book quoted on one website I visited, "4,000 Years of Christmas". It was written in 1948. One excerpt stated that the Mesopotamians were the first to recognize the solstice, with a 12 day celebration or festival of renewal with the purpose of helping the god Marduk "tame the monsters of chaos for another year." I love the traditions we establish to explain things we don't understand, or try to control the things that we can't control - or acknowledge our helplessness in facing something as untameable as chaos!
The other question this cold, sleepy weather is raising in my mind- Do we store fat for winter the way animals do? I swear not much has changed for me in the past few weeks, but I feel like I have put on ten pounds.
So, my eyes are nearly closing as I type. But I think this is a good topic for a future post. I did a little preliminary research and found some conflicting information. The common ground is that everyone agrees that humans gain weight in the winter... there's just some disagreement on how and why - so I'll present the evidence of what I found... maybe even tomorrow night.... if I can stay awake.
Peaceful and warm sleep to all - is there anything better than a down comforter? Well, maybe... but in the realm of warm, sleepiness ? Is anyone sick of my "steamy foreign films" references yet?
By the way, I started recently with Season 1. I may have mentioned this already, but I laugh out loud repeatedly in each episode. Steamy foreign films? Take a backseat to 30 Rock for now. Tina Fey is sheer genius, and the combination of her character and Alec Baldwin's - ahhhh, wonderfully talented writing.
I say this about watching 30 Rock and doing nothing, but keep in mind I have two boys. We actually baked chocolate chip cookies tonight. But in my parallel universe, I had zzzz's above my head- the big puffy drowsy kind.
Back to the darkness discussion - what can we learn? The sunset today was at 4:33 p.m. We have this trend for another 3 weeks until the equinox.
My friends and I celebrate the solstice, and I thought I knew a lot about the origins of holidays, winter traditions and so forth, especially in view of my religious background, but I wanted to do some more research on the whole deal. I'll share a little bit of what I learned.
First of all, in case you don't know this, the winter solstice marks the longest night and shortest day of the year. This year it is December 21st. (It's either the 20th or the 21st, depending on the year). So, in optimistic thinking, after that day, the days will begin to get longer- until June!
What I really like about the solstice is this- it has so many layers. There is the astronomical layer, the astrological layer, the mathematical layer , and the cultural layer, for starters.
We start with a natural phenomenon, amazing in itself, and layered in complex mathematics- the tilt of the earth, the revolution and rotation of the earth. Then we have what humans throughout all of history have done with this natural state of science, nature- call it what you will, incorporating our human traditions and celebrations.
One thing I'd like to research more relates to something I read today - that the mysterious Stonehenge is a perfect marker of both the summer and winter solstices. I don't remember ever reading that. National Geographic featured Stonehenge a couple of years ago. Scientists had found evidence of brutality in the fossil discoveries. They weren't sure if it was due to the hard work involved in creating it- as in, a lot of people died trying to move those big stones... or if there was something more cruel that went on related to the rituals that may have surrounded the structure itself. This is, of course, strictly my synopsis of the article based on a weak memory of something I read awhile ago, so it's worth revisiting.
There was also a book quoted on one website I visited, "4,000 Years of Christmas". It was written in 1948. One excerpt stated that the Mesopotamians were the first to recognize the solstice, with a 12 day celebration or festival of renewal with the purpose of helping the god Marduk "tame the monsters of chaos for another year." I love the traditions we establish to explain things we don't understand, or try to control the things that we can't control - or acknowledge our helplessness in facing something as untameable as chaos!
The other question this cold, sleepy weather is raising in my mind- Do we store fat for winter the way animals do? I swear not much has changed for me in the past few weeks, but I feel like I have put on ten pounds.
So, my eyes are nearly closing as I type. But I think this is a good topic for a future post. I did a little preliminary research and found some conflicting information. The common ground is that everyone agrees that humans gain weight in the winter... there's just some disagreement on how and why - so I'll present the evidence of what I found... maybe even tomorrow night.... if I can stay awake.
Peaceful and warm sleep to all - is there anything better than a down comforter? Well, maybe... but in the realm of warm, sleepiness ? Is anyone sick of my "steamy foreign films" references yet?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Petty?
If a pet begins to interfere with your quality of life, when is enough enough?
I'm being dramatic, maybe. But my cat is on my last nerve. He's overweight, even on weight control pet food. He meows to have the tub faucet turned on. He meows to have his food dish heaping. I'm not kidding when I say if his food dish is not overflowing, he meows for me to fill it. He meows during the night because he just wants to be in a different part of the house. I have all fans running to try to drown out his noise of banging against doors and or meowing when his little cat nap expires.
I know it might seem petty to those of you who are struggling with a nursing baby that gets up on the hour all night, or a toddler that wakes up after a mere five hours of sleep. But, I'm out of that zone now. I've become accustomed to a solid night's sleep. I served my time in the sleep deprivation realm, and I don't have much tolerance for it now. My kids are 11 and 8. The only time they wake me up is if they're sick or they have friends sleep over. Otherwise, I hover right around eight hours.... which is human... which is what I clearly need.
So, when Pedro the Lion gets it in his head that he is nocturnal, I'm at my wit's end.
In my pet psychology, I will diagnose his restlessness as stemming from his childhood (kittenhood?), his need to go outside. When we first adopted him, we lived out of the city about 30 miles. We had 3 plus acres of land, so he was able to be an outdoor and indoor cat. He roamed the fields of Oak Grove all night and slept all day. Then we moved back to Minneapolis, which I know was an adjustment for him. But it's been five years now. His life in the city outweighs his life in the country, no pun intended as he is probably ten pounds overweight, you know, in cat pounds.
I don't know. I'm grasping at an explanation in my weary state and I'm leaving you with a pretty boring post... it's because I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
I'm just trying to work on my Stephen Covey inspired plan to form a solid habit of writing- remember he said it takes 21 days to form a habit. The day I reach 21 days of blogging in a row is the day I quit and go back to my lazy ways of blogging when I feel like it. I just want to prove I can do something 21 days in a row.
Good night! Maybe I should put a sleeping pill in Pedro's food. Would that be wrong?
I think I forgot to mention that he woke me up at four a.m. this morning to fill his not quite full food dish, and I was unable to fall back to sleep. He's clearly a dish half empty kind of feline. Poor Pedro.
I'm being dramatic, maybe. But my cat is on my last nerve. He's overweight, even on weight control pet food. He meows to have the tub faucet turned on. He meows to have his food dish heaping. I'm not kidding when I say if his food dish is not overflowing, he meows for me to fill it. He meows during the night because he just wants to be in a different part of the house. I have all fans running to try to drown out his noise of banging against doors and or meowing when his little cat nap expires.
I know it might seem petty to those of you who are struggling with a nursing baby that gets up on the hour all night, or a toddler that wakes up after a mere five hours of sleep. But, I'm out of that zone now. I've become accustomed to a solid night's sleep. I served my time in the sleep deprivation realm, and I don't have much tolerance for it now. My kids are 11 and 8. The only time they wake me up is if they're sick or they have friends sleep over. Otherwise, I hover right around eight hours.... which is human... which is what I clearly need.
So, when Pedro the Lion gets it in his head that he is nocturnal, I'm at my wit's end.
In my pet psychology, I will diagnose his restlessness as stemming from his childhood (kittenhood?), his need to go outside. When we first adopted him, we lived out of the city about 30 miles. We had 3 plus acres of land, so he was able to be an outdoor and indoor cat. He roamed the fields of Oak Grove all night and slept all day. Then we moved back to Minneapolis, which I know was an adjustment for him. But it's been five years now. His life in the city outweighs his life in the country, no pun intended as he is probably ten pounds overweight, you know, in cat pounds.
I don't know. I'm grasping at an explanation in my weary state and I'm leaving you with a pretty boring post... it's because I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
I'm just trying to work on my Stephen Covey inspired plan to form a solid habit of writing- remember he said it takes 21 days to form a habit. The day I reach 21 days of blogging in a row is the day I quit and go back to my lazy ways of blogging when I feel like it. I just want to prove I can do something 21 days in a row.
Good night! Maybe I should put a sleeping pill in Pedro's food. Would that be wrong?
I think I forgot to mention that he woke me up at four a.m. this morning to fill his not quite full food dish, and I was unable to fall back to sleep. He's clearly a dish half empty kind of feline. Poor Pedro.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Giving credit
PS - I want to give credit to the intuitive healer who told me about a cleanse in the first place.
www.allowharmony.com I am not doing her talent justice but another post, another day, when I am not so tired. Peace!
www.allowharmony.com I am not doing her talent justice but another post, another day, when I am not so tired. Peace!
Dream another dream
I had another vivid dream last night. I had a blood transfusion. It was traumatic because, rather than a needle, they poked a big thick tube into a vein in my arm. I watched the entire bag drain into my body. I wasn't in a car accident or anything, just wasn't feeling well and the doctor decided that a blood transfusion would do the trick.
The reason this holds special significance to me is because Jehovah's Witnesses do not accept blood transfusions, even if facing death.
Or was the bag of blood a parallel to the bags of chemo my dad has been taking in treatment?
Dreams are fascinating and the two I have had lately were really clear and detailed.
I have no interpretation, just observation.
I went to Present Moment yesterday and had a great time browsing their amazing collection of books, and the overwhelming jars, bottles, containers of herbs, natural cures, and on and on. Check it out: http://www.presentmoment.com/
A friend and I had a reading by a psychic named Tammy. Mine was so over the top positive, it didn't surprise me, and I am still smiling. The reason it didn't surprise me is that a lot of it was things I've been sensing, just better times ahead overall. But it never hurts to hear it twice. She's great, by the way. You can schedule through Present Moment, or call her directly. http://www.readingsbytammy.net/
There is also an herbalist there who will give you recommendations, make combinations of herbal remedies for you. Over the past few months, I have had the worst complexion I've ever had in my life, even as a teenager. I attributed it to stress, and finally thought I should try something. Anything topical just seemed to irritate it. It's been a funny combination of dry skin with acne.
So I asked him. He looked at my face and told me he thinks it is digestion related. A good friend and an intuitive healer had both told me the same thing. I guess I need to hear the same information like twenty times over the course of six months before I finally take action. Anyway, he gave me a kidney cleanse tea and an intestinal cleanse powder to mix with water once the tea is gone. I'm really excited to try it and see what a difference it makes. Of course, I am not a fan of tea, so I'll probably have to plug my nose or something... but if it helps with my not so clear skin, I'll take it. I've been avoiding wearing my hair pulled back because the worst of it is on the sides of my face. Everyone I know who has tried a cleanse loves it. So, I'm looking forward to feeling lighter and less acned.
It was a beautiful sunny day today so a friend and I walked around the lake. We ended up walking for almost two hours. It was one of those "we have to soak up this natural light while we can" moments. That can't hurt my skin either.
Overall, it was a weekend of a lot of quiet reflection for me as well. I watched my crazy movies Friday, went out with friends yesterday and last night, and was pretty quiet today.
I just finished making homemade chicken stew... and now off to bed.
I'm looking forward to the week. The boys and I will get serious about Christmas this weekend, get our tree, start some shopping, all the good stuff.
We did do a little shopping Friday. We're sponsoring a child and his parent at their school. They have a really neat program. So. it was fun to pick out those gifts. I told the kids before we went shopping that it was not about them that day. Of course, being kids, it did become about them and my oldest in particular did some pouting and near crying over the things he wanted. But, overall, hopefully a small lesson in giving was learned. I can only hope, and laugh a little bit at the way kids are. I was the same way. Sharing and giving is almost against our nature sometimes. Yet, a book I read once, it may have even been "The Secret" said if we hold onto things, we are in effect telling the universe or God that we don't trust it to provide for us. That's an interesting way to view it. The more we give the more we get. Abundance and gratitude attact more of the same.
Good Night and sweet dreams of prosperity and love, maybe even the steamy foreign films kind of love. ha ha
The reason this holds special significance to me is because Jehovah's Witnesses do not accept blood transfusions, even if facing death.
Or was the bag of blood a parallel to the bags of chemo my dad has been taking in treatment?
Dreams are fascinating and the two I have had lately were really clear and detailed.
I have no interpretation, just observation.
I went to Present Moment yesterday and had a great time browsing their amazing collection of books, and the overwhelming jars, bottles, containers of herbs, natural cures, and on and on. Check it out: http://www.presentmoment.com/
A friend and I had a reading by a psychic named Tammy. Mine was so over the top positive, it didn't surprise me, and I am still smiling. The reason it didn't surprise me is that a lot of it was things I've been sensing, just better times ahead overall. But it never hurts to hear it twice. She's great, by the way. You can schedule through Present Moment, or call her directly. http://www.readingsbytammy.net/
There is also an herbalist there who will give you recommendations, make combinations of herbal remedies for you. Over the past few months, I have had the worst complexion I've ever had in my life, even as a teenager. I attributed it to stress, and finally thought I should try something. Anything topical just seemed to irritate it. It's been a funny combination of dry skin with acne.
So I asked him. He looked at my face and told me he thinks it is digestion related. A good friend and an intuitive healer had both told me the same thing. I guess I need to hear the same information like twenty times over the course of six months before I finally take action. Anyway, he gave me a kidney cleanse tea and an intestinal cleanse powder to mix with water once the tea is gone. I'm really excited to try it and see what a difference it makes. Of course, I am not a fan of tea, so I'll probably have to plug my nose or something... but if it helps with my not so clear skin, I'll take it. I've been avoiding wearing my hair pulled back because the worst of it is on the sides of my face. Everyone I know who has tried a cleanse loves it. So, I'm looking forward to feeling lighter and less acned.
It was a beautiful sunny day today so a friend and I walked around the lake. We ended up walking for almost two hours. It was one of those "we have to soak up this natural light while we can" moments. That can't hurt my skin either.
Overall, it was a weekend of a lot of quiet reflection for me as well. I watched my crazy movies Friday, went out with friends yesterday and last night, and was pretty quiet today.
I just finished making homemade chicken stew... and now off to bed.
I'm looking forward to the week. The boys and I will get serious about Christmas this weekend, get our tree, start some shopping, all the good stuff.
We did do a little shopping Friday. We're sponsoring a child and his parent at their school. They have a really neat program. So. it was fun to pick out those gifts. I told the kids before we went shopping that it was not about them that day. Of course, being kids, it did become about them and my oldest in particular did some pouting and near crying over the things he wanted. But, overall, hopefully a small lesson in giving was learned. I can only hope, and laugh a little bit at the way kids are. I was the same way. Sharing and giving is almost against our nature sometimes. Yet, a book I read once, it may have even been "The Secret" said if we hold onto things, we are in effect telling the universe or God that we don't trust it to provide for us. That's an interesting way to view it. The more we give the more we get. Abundance and gratitude attact more of the same.
Good Night and sweet dreams of prosperity and love, maybe even the steamy foreign films kind of love. ha ha
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Romance the romantic
I have a new obsession now that I have Netflix live. It started out as catching up on seasons 3-6 or 4-6 of The Office. That was a wonderful diversion and I still find a lot to laugh about on that show.
Now my focus has turned to "steamy foreign films". Yes, that is a category on Netflix that I had never noticed before, I didn't create the name of the genre, wink. What got me started was a recommendation by Netflix, as in, "You liked blah blah so maybe you'd like blah blah". And so my eyes were opened to a new category that I can Watch Instantly!
These movies are perfectly kitschy, some very grainy cinematograhpy, which is fascinating in itself. The music adds a lot too, not to mention the beauty of a foreign language. I was surprised to find my limited French coming back to me quite easily. The best one I have watched to date is "Broken Embraces" with Penelope Cruz. She is such a beautiful woman. This is an intense story, complete with obsession and betrayal. I downloaded the soundtrack, and , although I was completely caught up in the moment, I have no regrets.
It does get me thinking once again about sociology, anthropology and psychology. Are Europeans more advanced sexually and don't have nearly the hang-ups most Americans have? Do Americans have the hang ups I think we have?
There seems to be more of an acceptance of bodies, nakedness and carnal need among certain cultures. Or am I forgetting that these are simply "steamy foreign films", not a true reflection of what goes on in day to day life? Other countries like France, Italy and Spain seem more open sexually to me. Either way, human behavior never ceases to be intriguing. And adding these films to the mix opens up another dialogue in our fascination with love and relationships. Think of the art it inspires, once again.
It inspired me to dream, that's for sure. Nothing sexual, but something very interesting. I often wonder what sparks a dream of a person I have not thought of or heard from in years. The first guy I really really had a crush on is Ben Parker. That crush lasted for years. He was a beautiful boy.
So, in my dream, he was at my grandparents' house visiting with his wife and little boy. I had no idea he would be there, and I have no idea what the connection to my grandparents was. They were there for Thanksgiving. When I saw him, I just felt utter joy and love for him. I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then I went to meet his wife, and his little boy named Axl. The dream was really vivid. And the other interesting thing, is my grandparents house was exactly my grandparents house, to the detail of the chairs. You know how sometimes places in dreams aren't what they are in real life. But this was.
Maybe this is me making peace with the loves of past.
I love what art inspires in me and what seed of a memory could have been planted.
Happy viewing!
Now my focus has turned to "steamy foreign films". Yes, that is a category on Netflix that I had never noticed before, I didn't create the name of the genre, wink. What got me started was a recommendation by Netflix, as in, "You liked blah blah so maybe you'd like blah blah". And so my eyes were opened to a new category that I can Watch Instantly!
These movies are perfectly kitschy, some very grainy cinematograhpy, which is fascinating in itself. The music adds a lot too, not to mention the beauty of a foreign language. I was surprised to find my limited French coming back to me quite easily. The best one I have watched to date is "Broken Embraces" with Penelope Cruz. She is such a beautiful woman. This is an intense story, complete with obsession and betrayal. I downloaded the soundtrack, and , although I was completely caught up in the moment, I have no regrets.
It does get me thinking once again about sociology, anthropology and psychology. Are Europeans more advanced sexually and don't have nearly the hang-ups most Americans have? Do Americans have the hang ups I think we have?
There seems to be more of an acceptance of bodies, nakedness and carnal need among certain cultures. Or am I forgetting that these are simply "steamy foreign films", not a true reflection of what goes on in day to day life? Other countries like France, Italy and Spain seem more open sexually to me. Either way, human behavior never ceases to be intriguing. And adding these films to the mix opens up another dialogue in our fascination with love and relationships. Think of the art it inspires, once again.
It inspired me to dream, that's for sure. Nothing sexual, but something very interesting. I often wonder what sparks a dream of a person I have not thought of or heard from in years. The first guy I really really had a crush on is Ben Parker. That crush lasted for years. He was a beautiful boy.
So, in my dream, he was at my grandparents' house visiting with his wife and little boy. I had no idea he would be there, and I have no idea what the connection to my grandparents was. They were there for Thanksgiving. When I saw him, I just felt utter joy and love for him. I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then I went to meet his wife, and his little boy named Axl. The dream was really vivid. And the other interesting thing, is my grandparents house was exactly my grandparents house, to the detail of the chairs. You know how sometimes places in dreams aren't what they are in real life. But this was.
Maybe this is me making peace with the loves of past.
I love what art inspires in me and what seed of a memory could have been planted.
Happy viewing!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Self of self
Thanksgiving is definitely a time for reflection. That makes it my favorite holiday.
There are a lot of threads of thought weaving thru my weary, wine-infused head today, and be forewarned that it could lead to a very sporadic post that might be better served by multiple posts, but we'll just see where it all ends up. There may be an ending that wraps it all up neatly, ultimately but no promises.
Gratitude is so beautiful. The things I have to be grateful for are, hmmm... at a loss for a word meaning unable to count... and I love basking in that feeling. I have two amazing children, who I am watching grow up and just flat out marveling at. Seeing their unique personalities and their talents is awe inspiring. I'm also grateful for the freedom I have. I'm no longer enslaved to craving the approval of others, which allows me to be the best parent I could possibly be. Approval is an illusion anyway. I am now surrounded by people who love and support me and I am ever grateful to see the difference, the true meaning of love. I didn't realize how subtle negativity can be - well, I'm still learning that lesson.
How lucky am I that the hosts of my Thanksgiving are my dear friend, who happens to be the sister of my soon to be ex, and her husband. She invited my brother and his wife as well, in her big heartedness, knowing we are all orphans in a sense. Sometimes I wonder if she is my soul mate because she has taught me so much about openness, love, friendship and standing up for yourself. Thanks to you R, you know who you are. (Is this a speech at the Oscar's?) But, truly I am so moved and I don't care if it makes me vulnerable in this moment.
How lucky am I that I have two beautiful boys as a result of my marriage. A good friend once told me that my two kids are the best of both J and I. It was like, in that moment, we were our best and highest selves, and it was total and ultimate love that created them. I don't regret a minute of it.
Related to Thanksgiving, this same friend, who has helped me to heal immensely thru this life change, also advised me to send gratitude toward things, people or situations- even if the gratitude is as primal as "I'm grateful I don't view the world that way... or I'm grateful I am me." It is by no means a feeling of superiority. That's the beauty of it. It's simply self love and the realization that sending love and gratitude toward a person or situation is the best outcome for everyone involved. Being angry and bitter is ugly and unhealthy.
Today also made me think about who I am today, in this moment. I feel proud about certain things, but also feel humbled into recognizing that I am a work in progress.
There is a balance between wanting to improve and exhaustedly striving, never feeling content. When I first left the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses, the therapist I was seeing helped me out a lot with the deprogramming aspect of leaving a religious group that had dominatd my existence for so long. Because for the first time in my life, the sky was the limit for me, I didn't know what I believed or even where to start. Did I believe in God anymore? Did I believe in anything? So, my therapist lent a CD set to me - Jon Kabat Zinn, "Mindfulness for Beginners". I highly recommend it. I think there was a stretch when I listened to it every day, especially when I would walk around the lake. It became a meditation for me. The philosophy is so basic and very helpful.
Jon Kabatt Zinn leads the stress reduction clinic at the University of Massachusetts medical center. What lead me to mentioning him in my internal highway of electrical connections, is that he talks about just being, non striving, and so many positive nuggets of truth and awareness.
There is a portion on this CD set where he discusses non-striving and states poignantly that maybe we should retitle the species to something other than human "beings", since we are so often not in the moment and sometimes so afraid of just being. I feel like I'm not doing him justice, grasping at ways to describe something so helpful that I will now simply insert the link to his website now and you can have your own experience with his work and be quiet : http://www.mindfulnesscds.com/
The best part about gratitude is that it's very basic. There isn't any need for drama, really, if we're grateful. We might say that the most important gratitude is being grateful for ourselves, who we are. Because if we start there, we don't have any need for jealousy. We don't have any need for competition with those around us. We're grateful to be who we are, in love with our uniqueness, to the point that we are a mirror reflecting that love and gratitude onto anyone and everyone around us. That's beauty.
And, the irony of all of this is that today celebrates a day when the Native Americans unassumingly and lovingly gave what they had and shared with foreigners. That becomes a story of its own, but at face value, in an over arching generalization, they knew what gratitude was about. They were gracious and generous because they were able to just be.
Happy Thanksgiving.
There are a lot of threads of thought weaving thru my weary, wine-infused head today, and be forewarned that it could lead to a very sporadic post that might be better served by multiple posts, but we'll just see where it all ends up. There may be an ending that wraps it all up neatly, ultimately but no promises.
Gratitude is so beautiful. The things I have to be grateful for are, hmmm... at a loss for a word meaning unable to count... and I love basking in that feeling. I have two amazing children, who I am watching grow up and just flat out marveling at. Seeing their unique personalities and their talents is awe inspiring. I'm also grateful for the freedom I have. I'm no longer enslaved to craving the approval of others, which allows me to be the best parent I could possibly be. Approval is an illusion anyway. I am now surrounded by people who love and support me and I am ever grateful to see the difference, the true meaning of love. I didn't realize how subtle negativity can be - well, I'm still learning that lesson.
How lucky am I that the hosts of my Thanksgiving are my dear friend, who happens to be the sister of my soon to be ex, and her husband. She invited my brother and his wife as well, in her big heartedness, knowing we are all orphans in a sense. Sometimes I wonder if she is my soul mate because she has taught me so much about openness, love, friendship and standing up for yourself. Thanks to you R, you know who you are. (Is this a speech at the Oscar's?) But, truly I am so moved and I don't care if it makes me vulnerable in this moment.
How lucky am I that I have two beautiful boys as a result of my marriage. A good friend once told me that my two kids are the best of both J and I. It was like, in that moment, we were our best and highest selves, and it was total and ultimate love that created them. I don't regret a minute of it.
Related to Thanksgiving, this same friend, who has helped me to heal immensely thru this life change, also advised me to send gratitude toward things, people or situations- even if the gratitude is as primal as "I'm grateful I don't view the world that way... or I'm grateful I am me." It is by no means a feeling of superiority. That's the beauty of it. It's simply self love and the realization that sending love and gratitude toward a person or situation is the best outcome for everyone involved. Being angry and bitter is ugly and unhealthy.
Today also made me think about who I am today, in this moment. I feel proud about certain things, but also feel humbled into recognizing that I am a work in progress.
There is a balance between wanting to improve and exhaustedly striving, never feeling content. When I first left the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses, the therapist I was seeing helped me out a lot with the deprogramming aspect of leaving a religious group that had dominatd my existence for so long. Because for the first time in my life, the sky was the limit for me, I didn't know what I believed or even where to start. Did I believe in God anymore? Did I believe in anything? So, my therapist lent a CD set to me - Jon Kabat Zinn, "Mindfulness for Beginners". I highly recommend it. I think there was a stretch when I listened to it every day, especially when I would walk around the lake. It became a meditation for me. The philosophy is so basic and very helpful.
Jon Kabatt Zinn leads the stress reduction clinic at the University of Massachusetts medical center. What lead me to mentioning him in my internal highway of electrical connections, is that he talks about just being, non striving, and so many positive nuggets of truth and awareness.
There is a portion on this CD set where he discusses non-striving and states poignantly that maybe we should retitle the species to something other than human "beings", since we are so often not in the moment and sometimes so afraid of just being. I feel like I'm not doing him justice, grasping at ways to describe something so helpful that I will now simply insert the link to his website now and you can have your own experience with his work and be quiet : http://www.mindfulnesscds.com/
The best part about gratitude is that it's very basic. There isn't any need for drama, really, if we're grateful. We might say that the most important gratitude is being grateful for ourselves, who we are. Because if we start there, we don't have any need for jealousy. We don't have any need for competition with those around us. We're grateful to be who we are, in love with our uniqueness, to the point that we are a mirror reflecting that love and gratitude onto anyone and everyone around us. That's beauty.
And, the irony of all of this is that today celebrates a day when the Native Americans unassumingly and lovingly gave what they had and shared with foreigners. That becomes a story of its own, but at face value, in an over arching generalization, they knew what gratitude was about. They were gracious and generous because they were able to just be.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 22, 2010
One more thing
Check out this blog: www.stephanieklein.com -- I read her book "Straight Up and Dirty" last year. It's a "Sex and the City" esque true tale of her marriage and divorce. She's self deprecating and very entertaining.
Since publishing the book, she is remarried and has twins. Her blog deals with all types of mommyhood issues, and interesting marital interactions.
Cheers to all the people who share their intimate stories for the rest of us to learn from, and maybe feel that we are not insane after all. I mean, there's sanity in numbers, right?
Since publishing the book, she is remarried and has twins. Her blog deals with all types of mommyhood issues, and interesting marital interactions.
Cheers to all the people who share their intimate stories for the rest of us to learn from, and maybe feel that we are not insane after all. I mean, there's sanity in numbers, right?
Despicable Me
is a cute movie.
My kids and I saw it yesterday at the Riverview Theatre. http://www.riverviewtheater.com/ - the best theatre in the city, as far as I'm concerned. I love the neighborhood and they have real buttered popcorn, not the yellow fake so called they serve at AMC. That is one of my pet peeves about AMC and why I wait for movies to come to the Riverview. Plus it's really cool to support a local establishment that offers all kinds of cool distractions - for example, they'll do an Alfred Hitchcock tribute every Monday night during the summer and other random goodies.
As far as "Despicable Me", I had trouble getting into it for the first half hour or so, but then it started to grow on me with monumental speed, even brought a couple of tears to my eyes. I'd give it a 3 out of 5 stars.
We had a nice quiet weekend. There is something wonderful about wintry dreary weather. It provides a guilt free excuse to hole up in the house and watch movies, read a book, browse online, and so forth.
I finished "Tales of Burning Love" by Louise Erdrich. It was right up my alley as far as tales of relationships. I won't ruin a bit of the plot but I will say, I enjoy her writing style immensely.
Speaking of books, a friend introduced me to http://www.goodreads.com/. You can track your own reading and see what your friends are reading too. By updating her page on this site, my friend has given me great ideas for books to read. I'm looking forward to starting the next one this week.
So, December approaches with lightning speed. I'm looking forward to all sorts of things - Thanksgiving, gift giving, snowboarding, writing, cross country skiing, warm fires, and sending out some kick ass Christmas cards. Check out www.paper-source.com for ideas. Also, I plan to give some french paper cards as gifts. I love this stuff. It's so creative. http://www.frenchpaper.com/
This is what is on my little brain today - ideas, ideas, ideas - perhaps a bit of restlessness.
I started out this morning being more grumpy than I have been in months. I'm not sure what prompted it -maybe the days of crummy weather - the lack of sunshine. But, we ordered Chinese food last Friday again, and here is what my fortune said "Discontent is the first necessity of progress" -- now that, that is inspirational. Perhaps my grumpiness stems from the recognition that there are changes to be made in my life, and how! I've been talking forever about going back to school, moving to a different place in the city, just for starters. Maybe this is the right amount of discomfort... and it will move me to set these plans in motion.
It's a work in progress, this life of mine, but it is progress none-the-less.
Peace!
My kids and I saw it yesterday at the Riverview Theatre. http://www.riverviewtheater.com/ - the best theatre in the city, as far as I'm concerned. I love the neighborhood and they have real buttered popcorn, not the yellow fake so called they serve at AMC. That is one of my pet peeves about AMC and why I wait for movies to come to the Riverview. Plus it's really cool to support a local establishment that offers all kinds of cool distractions - for example, they'll do an Alfred Hitchcock tribute every Monday night during the summer and other random goodies.
As far as "Despicable Me", I had trouble getting into it for the first half hour or so, but then it started to grow on me with monumental speed, even brought a couple of tears to my eyes. I'd give it a 3 out of 5 stars.
We had a nice quiet weekend. There is something wonderful about wintry dreary weather. It provides a guilt free excuse to hole up in the house and watch movies, read a book, browse online, and so forth.
I finished "Tales of Burning Love" by Louise Erdrich. It was right up my alley as far as tales of relationships. I won't ruin a bit of the plot but I will say, I enjoy her writing style immensely.
Speaking of books, a friend introduced me to http://www.goodreads.com/. You can track your own reading and see what your friends are reading too. By updating her page on this site, my friend has given me great ideas for books to read. I'm looking forward to starting the next one this week.
So, December approaches with lightning speed. I'm looking forward to all sorts of things - Thanksgiving, gift giving, snowboarding, writing, cross country skiing, warm fires, and sending out some kick ass Christmas cards. Check out www.paper-source.com for ideas. Also, I plan to give some french paper cards as gifts. I love this stuff. It's so creative. http://www.frenchpaper.com/
This is what is on my little brain today - ideas, ideas, ideas - perhaps a bit of restlessness.
I started out this morning being more grumpy than I have been in months. I'm not sure what prompted it -maybe the days of crummy weather - the lack of sunshine. But, we ordered Chinese food last Friday again, and here is what my fortune said "Discontent is the first necessity of progress" -- now that, that is inspirational. Perhaps my grumpiness stems from the recognition that there are changes to be made in my life, and how! I've been talking forever about going back to school, moving to a different place in the city, just for starters. Maybe this is the right amount of discomfort... and it will move me to set these plans in motion.
It's a work in progress, this life of mine, but it is progress none-the-less.
Peace!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
No one said it would be easy
...so says Cloud Cult, so simply.
I had dinner with my parents tonight. My dad has leukemia. He is here for treatment. Do I sound like a robot yet?
There is so much history to recount that it's hard to know where to begin.
The beginning is - I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. My soon to be ex was a Jehovah's Witnesses, we were Jehovah's Witnesses together, and his parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. I am not anymore. This presents a problem for those who stay and those who leave.
If you leave, your parents and "friends" are taught by the organization that is wrong to associate with you.
I have explained to my parents numerous times my reasons for leaving. I have told them I am not coming back to that religion.
It is so hard for them to comprehend, and nearly impossible for them to accept. I see their struggle between loving me but abiding by what they believe Jehovah, the name sake of the religion, wants them to do. My brother, who recently left as well (let me interject that there are not words to describe how lucky I am to have him in my life, along with an aunt who also left before me) refers to it as circular logic. They say, in effect, "We love you so much we have to shun you." The hope is that you'll return.
So, for the umpteenth time, my cancer ridden father has pleaded with me to reconsider my decision. He has told me how much they love me and how the end of this world is coming and they want to see me live.
I tell myself I can't go thru this again. I asked him tonight, "What if every time I saw you, I was trying to convince you of my beliefs? This isn't fun. It's fun to talk about what we've been doing, but not fun to talk about religion." I have told him I don't want to talk about it, and get drawn into the conversation. The last two times I had dinner with him or with he and my mom, religion wasn't mentioned, so I started to feel like maybe we had crossed that bridge to a place where we could talk about other things.
But then tonight, again.
I imagine when I re-read this post it is going to seem very chaotic and maybe even distraught, but I'm not going to edit it, not one word of it. It's raw and it's true. It's about not having the answer. It's the primal feeling of wanting family, of wanting parents who love you unconditionally, to be adult enough to disagree with your choice but let it go.
But instead, I had to watch my dad fight back tears, warn me of Armageddon's impending doom and repeat that they just want me to be on Jehovah's side so I can survive.
And I had to feel the stint in his arm where the chemo goes in as I hugged him and told him, "No, Dad. I don't believe that anymore."
I had to hear him say, "I love you but this is going to impact our relationship." Hasn't it already? ...not to mention the fact that he has been saying this since I left.
So we are stuck in a pattern of neither one of us being true to our word. I tell myself if they mention religion I will leave. And he tells himself that if I don't believe the same way as him that he will shun me.
But somehow he can't. Somehow, I'm still the little girl sitting on the floor listening to him play and sing Johnny Cash on his guitar. He's proud that he raised me to be strong but sad that it means I won't agree with him.
The difference between us is that I'm not worried about him changing. To me, he can have his convictions and still have a relationship with me. I won't try to convince him his beliefs are wrong. It's not my place. But he, well, he will use all his strength to convince me I'm wrong.
And loving someone means you love them as is. Period. The end.
I had dinner with my parents tonight. My dad has leukemia. He is here for treatment. Do I sound like a robot yet?
There is so much history to recount that it's hard to know where to begin.
The beginning is - I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. My soon to be ex was a Jehovah's Witnesses, we were Jehovah's Witnesses together, and his parents are Jehovah's Witnesses. I am not anymore. This presents a problem for those who stay and those who leave.
If you leave, your parents and "friends" are taught by the organization that is wrong to associate with you.
I have explained to my parents numerous times my reasons for leaving. I have told them I am not coming back to that religion.
It is so hard for them to comprehend, and nearly impossible for them to accept. I see their struggle between loving me but abiding by what they believe Jehovah, the name sake of the religion, wants them to do. My brother, who recently left as well (let me interject that there are not words to describe how lucky I am to have him in my life, along with an aunt who also left before me) refers to it as circular logic. They say, in effect, "We love you so much we have to shun you." The hope is that you'll return.
So, for the umpteenth time, my cancer ridden father has pleaded with me to reconsider my decision. He has told me how much they love me and how the end of this world is coming and they want to see me live.
I tell myself I can't go thru this again. I asked him tonight, "What if every time I saw you, I was trying to convince you of my beliefs? This isn't fun. It's fun to talk about what we've been doing, but not fun to talk about religion." I have told him I don't want to talk about it, and get drawn into the conversation. The last two times I had dinner with him or with he and my mom, religion wasn't mentioned, so I started to feel like maybe we had crossed that bridge to a place where we could talk about other things.
But then tonight, again.
I imagine when I re-read this post it is going to seem very chaotic and maybe even distraught, but I'm not going to edit it, not one word of it. It's raw and it's true. It's about not having the answer. It's the primal feeling of wanting family, of wanting parents who love you unconditionally, to be adult enough to disagree with your choice but let it go.
But instead, I had to watch my dad fight back tears, warn me of Armageddon's impending doom and repeat that they just want me to be on Jehovah's side so I can survive.
And I had to feel the stint in his arm where the chemo goes in as I hugged him and told him, "No, Dad. I don't believe that anymore."
I had to hear him say, "I love you but this is going to impact our relationship." Hasn't it already? ...not to mention the fact that he has been saying this since I left.
So we are stuck in a pattern of neither one of us being true to our word. I tell myself if they mention religion I will leave. And he tells himself that if I don't believe the same way as him that he will shun me.
But somehow he can't. Somehow, I'm still the little girl sitting on the floor listening to him play and sing Johnny Cash on his guitar. He's proud that he raised me to be strong but sad that it means I won't agree with him.
The difference between us is that I'm not worried about him changing. To me, he can have his convictions and still have a relationship with me. I won't try to convince him his beliefs are wrong. It's not my place. But he, well, he will use all his strength to convince me I'm wrong.
And loving someone means you love them as is. Period. The end.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wishy Washy Who?
These past couple of years have been a long and arduous journey. Bits and pieces of my divorce will be probably be divulged in random posts, but I don't intend on making this my divorce blog. It is very much on my mind right now, as he is being served today or tomorrow, whenever they can hand him the envelope. Tracking someone down like this is no easy feat.
So, I'm not sure if I mentioned that we have been separated since the spring of 2008, not legally, just physically. Over the past couple of years, there was talk of getting back together many times, which usually meant sleeping together a dozen times in one night or over the course of a couple of days. It never lasted very long.
If I suggested it or told him I missed him, he had a million reasons why we shouldn't be together. The "Humpty Dumpty" analogy became almost a nervous tic in his repertoire of excuses. I began to hate that old nursery rhyme, probably always will.
If starting over was his suggestion, I would say I was open to it, that we could start with small steps, but that is always where it ended. That faraway "the grass must be greener somewhere, dammit" look in his eyes was familiar and tiresome. Have I used that word a zillion times in this post?
In my story, the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" comes to mind. I haven't read the book- God knows I've read every other relationship book, or so it seems. The bottom line is people do what they want to do, and if someone wants to spend time with you, they make it happen, no excuses. As a friend says quite often, "period. the end". I think she's right.
Back to "Magical Thinking" which I referred to in a past post, denial causes us to conjure up all sorts of excuses or reasons for someone's behavior- especially when it relates to love or a hoped for relationship. But, when you wash all the muddy excuses away, it's as simple as a blue river stone, you know the kind you see on every shore by the billions, with no frills. It is this: "I like my life better without you in it therefore I am going to leave and stay away". For the person left behind, that is a bitter pill to swallow. And yet, let's just speak candidly - it's over. period. the end.
When I broke up with Mr. Trimmed Up Down There For Ya, I actually feel kind of proud at how straightforward I was. I've been known to skirt issues, try to soften "blows" in such an overboard manner that you might wonder what I just said. A therapist actually told me I might be a little wishy- washy, (sure I dabble in wishy washiness, who doesn't?) so Mr. TUDTFY (yes, he really said that to me) was becoming a little bit possessive, no actually outright jealous and it was getting old. This was after maybe 5 times of sleeping together and hanging out. Yep, we got right to it. Well, instant messaging for days coupled with a bottle of wine can lead to dirty talk in a hurry, so by the time you hang out, all bets are off. No pretense. I'm not apologizing, just explaining. Keep in mind that on our 2nd day together, he talked about marriage and how my kids could go to college in the state he was planning to move to. He also accused me of cheating on him and checked with a mutual acquaintance to try to verify one alibi I had... that was the moment I knew.Anyway, I won't rant about him for too long.
I did the right thing and broke it off. But here's the shining moment - I didn't want to be an asshole and break up over text or email (this is very brave for me!) so I called him. He answered and I said - "Hey. I need to talk to you. I didn't want to be rude and do this over email or text ... " He replied, "Thanks hon, I appreciate that" and I said, "This isn't working for me" He said, "Oh really? I thought we agreed we would just enjoy each other and have fun while it lasted." I said, "No, it's not fun for me anymore". And that was it. He did text me, message me, text me, message me, try calling me a few times after that, over the course of a couple of months actually until I finally had to send him the big baddie that said "Maybe I wasn't clear.... don't text me, call me or email me anymore".
And that is that- the moral of the story may be this - although the point might not be taken by the other party, we can feel good about being straightforward and honest, the opposite of wishy washy.
I've been wishy washy about divorcing this man. That chapter can finally close.
So, I'm not sure if I mentioned that we have been separated since the spring of 2008, not legally, just physically. Over the past couple of years, there was talk of getting back together many times, which usually meant sleeping together a dozen times in one night or over the course of a couple of days. It never lasted very long.
If I suggested it or told him I missed him, he had a million reasons why we shouldn't be together. The "Humpty Dumpty" analogy became almost a nervous tic in his repertoire of excuses. I began to hate that old nursery rhyme, probably always will.
If starting over was his suggestion, I would say I was open to it, that we could start with small steps, but that is always where it ended. That faraway "the grass must be greener somewhere, dammit" look in his eyes was familiar and tiresome. Have I used that word a zillion times in this post?
In my story, the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" comes to mind. I haven't read the book- God knows I've read every other relationship book, or so it seems. The bottom line is people do what they want to do, and if someone wants to spend time with you, they make it happen, no excuses. As a friend says quite often, "period. the end". I think she's right.
Back to "Magical Thinking" which I referred to in a past post, denial causes us to conjure up all sorts of excuses or reasons for someone's behavior- especially when it relates to love or a hoped for relationship. But, when you wash all the muddy excuses away, it's as simple as a blue river stone, you know the kind you see on every shore by the billions, with no frills. It is this: "I like my life better without you in it therefore I am going to leave and stay away". For the person left behind, that is a bitter pill to swallow. And yet, let's just speak candidly - it's over. period. the end.
When I broke up with Mr. Trimmed Up Down There For Ya, I actually feel kind of proud at how straightforward I was. I've been known to skirt issues, try to soften "blows" in such an overboard manner that you might wonder what I just said. A therapist actually told me I might be a little wishy- washy, (sure I dabble in wishy washiness, who doesn't?) so Mr. TUDTFY (yes, he really said that to me) was becoming a little bit possessive, no actually outright jealous and it was getting old. This was after maybe 5 times of sleeping together and hanging out. Yep, we got right to it. Well, instant messaging for days coupled with a bottle of wine can lead to dirty talk in a hurry, so by the time you hang out, all bets are off. No pretense. I'm not apologizing, just explaining. Keep in mind that on our 2nd day together, he talked about marriage and how my kids could go to college in the state he was planning to move to. He also accused me of cheating on him and checked with a mutual acquaintance to try to verify one alibi I had... that was the moment I knew.Anyway, I won't rant about him for too long.
I did the right thing and broke it off. But here's the shining moment - I didn't want to be an asshole and break up over text or email (this is very brave for me!) so I called him. He answered and I said - "Hey. I need to talk to you. I didn't want to be rude and do this over email or text ... " He replied, "Thanks hon, I appreciate that" and I said, "This isn't working for me" He said, "Oh really? I thought we agreed we would just enjoy each other and have fun while it lasted." I said, "No, it's not fun for me anymore". And that was it. He did text me, message me, text me, message me, try calling me a few times after that, over the course of a couple of months actually until I finally had to send him the big baddie that said "Maybe I wasn't clear.... don't text me, call me or email me anymore".
And that is that- the moral of the story may be this - although the point might not be taken by the other party, we can feel good about being straightforward and honest, the opposite of wishy washy.
I've been wishy washy about divorcing this man. That chapter can finally close.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Uninspired
Fall Back is supposed to be a good thing, or at least more positive than spring ahead. Right? So to be redundant, I am uninspired and tired. It seems like sentences form paragraphs and ideas flow when I'm not sitting at my computer, becoming difficult to capture later. My mind has been a monkey mind today, starting at 4 a.m. In retrospect, my energy would have been best served by just relinquishing and getting out of bed, rather than trying desperately and unsuccessfully to fall back asleep. I could have made some notes, journaled, cooked... something...
Joan Didion, in her book "Magical Thinking", told how her late husband, also a writer, was never without a small notebook in his pocket. He was poised and ready to take notes whenever an idea popped into his head. Many of my ideas are inspired by driving.. which would probably be less legal and more dangerous than texting. By the way, Magical Thinking is well worth reading as a touching and soul baring account of what loss can do to a human psyche, and the rationalization - we are amazing creatures with a very sophisticated mental health defense mechanism.
My husband (is this even what he's called at this point?) will be served the divorce paperwork tomorrow morning. I suppose that might be contributing to this overall lack of energy. Add to that the darkness at 5:30 p.m. and I think the glaring answer is - it is simply time to get ready for sleep.
Sweet dreams.
Joan Didion, in her book "Magical Thinking", told how her late husband, also a writer, was never without a small notebook in his pocket. He was poised and ready to take notes whenever an idea popped into his head. Many of my ideas are inspired by driving.. which would probably be less legal and more dangerous than texting. By the way, Magical Thinking is well worth reading as a touching and soul baring account of what loss can do to a human psyche, and the rationalization - we are amazing creatures with a very sophisticated mental health defense mechanism.
My husband (is this even what he's called at this point?) will be served the divorce paperwork tomorrow morning. I suppose that might be contributing to this overall lack of energy. Add to that the darkness at 5:30 p.m. and I think the glaring answer is - it is simply time to get ready for sleep.
Sweet dreams.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The importance of wallowing
The Eels latest album "End Times" is unofficially called "My Divorce Album" by its creator. He mourns the loss of his love. http://www.eelstheband.com/
The song "Little Bird" can officially make me cry real, official tears every time I hear it. I'm intrigued by this concept and act of wallowing. I'm intrigued by the art that it inspires. The references to this are endless.
A good friend, a literary genius if I may say who may someday be a collaborative blogger, was going through the unraveling of his own marriage and pointed out - how much music would there be if there wasn't lost love? It's an interesting point. How much Art would there be in general if there wasn't complete and utter loss? This quickly becomes a deep philosophical discussion about our need for pain to appreciate the good things. I think we can come back to that at a later time.
I'm grateful to have a group of close friends who are amazingly deep thinkers. I plan to pose that question the next time we indulge in wine, good food, and profound conversation. This is one of those cliches where someone needs to interject, "So did you solve all the world's problems?" chuckle chuckle. Not really. The real story is that we are working moms or single women ages 25 to 40 in this city and we end up being amateur sociologists, psychologists, and anthropoligists (that might encompass the other 2 ologists anyway...) It's interesting to try to view things from a step back, an observant vantage point. Sorry but in my stream of consciousness style, this becomes a segue to yet another musical reference on the new Ben Folds album. http://benfolds.com/
If you're not familiar with this one, his new album "Lonley Avenue" (again with wallowing?) is a collaboration with Nick Hornby. Also, in case you don't know this, Nick Hornby is a writer - he wrote "High Fidelity", which happens to be in my top 20 favorite movies. Having his literary talent combined with Ben Folds music is worth a listen, if not a buy. While I'm not the biggest fan of Ben Folds historically, I am in love with the lyrics on this particular album. Check out the song that inspired me to give his album a chance "From Above".
Anyway, I appreciate the thought that it is "so easy from above". If we can step back, we're able to see things more clearly, from a state closer to detachment than when we are right in the middle of the drama. So, while I wish I could claim that there is NEVER judgement involved in our discussions, that wouldn't be an honest statement. Yet, we are definitely not approaching our discussions with a fault finding attitude. It's more inspired by curiosity toward human behavior and the evolution of our species mentally and emotionally. So... if I apply visible art to my life...
If I created a quilt comprised of the fabric of my life's experiences, it would be patchworks of bright color and an alternating patchwork of sad colors. I'm grateful to say it wouldn't be one solid color. It wouldn't be the green of living in one place for my whole life. It wouldn't be the red of being in one long term relationship for my whole life. It definitely wouldn't be the blue of being on one career path for my whole life. It might look a little bit like Joseph's technicolor dreamcoat.
In my previous post, I mentioned Karen Salmansohn's book "The Prince Harming Syndrome". Check out her website : http://notsalmon.com/ Viewing each person who crosses our path, whether we perceive their influence to be negative or positive, teaches us something. So, without the person who pushed me into a new life, my dreamcoat might be solid green... not so dreamy.
Here's another thread : The "Fool" tarot card, which shows a "fool" in colorful motley clothes, pack tied to a staff, a small dog, and a cliff, symbolizes infinite possibilities. It's an interesting connection between color and possibilities. I don't know very much about tarot, astrology, or other similar studies. I am just excited about the variety of beliefs that have been carried through history. From an aerial view once again, I'm going to quote Death Cab for Cutie, "They're all different names for the same things." So, on that note, I make the decision to live or die by the fortune in the cookie I just received with my delivered Chinese lunch... ready.... "Emotion is energy in motion". Okay.
The song "Little Bird" can officially make me cry real, official tears every time I hear it. I'm intrigued by this concept and act of wallowing. I'm intrigued by the art that it inspires. The references to this are endless.
A good friend, a literary genius if I may say who may someday be a collaborative blogger, was going through the unraveling of his own marriage and pointed out - how much music would there be if there wasn't lost love? It's an interesting point. How much Art would there be in general if there wasn't complete and utter loss? This quickly becomes a deep philosophical discussion about our need for pain to appreciate the good things. I think we can come back to that at a later time.
I'm grateful to have a group of close friends who are amazingly deep thinkers. I plan to pose that question the next time we indulge in wine, good food, and profound conversation. This is one of those cliches where someone needs to interject, "So did you solve all the world's problems?" chuckle chuckle. Not really. The real story is that we are working moms or single women ages 25 to 40 in this city and we end up being amateur sociologists, psychologists, and anthropoligists (that might encompass the other 2 ologists anyway...) It's interesting to try to view things from a step back, an observant vantage point. Sorry but in my stream of consciousness style, this becomes a segue to yet another musical reference on the new Ben Folds album. http://benfolds.com/
If you're not familiar with this one, his new album "Lonley Avenue" (again with wallowing?) is a collaboration with Nick Hornby. Also, in case you don't know this, Nick Hornby is a writer - he wrote "High Fidelity", which happens to be in my top 20 favorite movies. Having his literary talent combined with Ben Folds music is worth a listen, if not a buy. While I'm not the biggest fan of Ben Folds historically, I am in love with the lyrics on this particular album. Check out the song that inspired me to give his album a chance "From Above".
Anyway, I appreciate the thought that it is "so easy from above". If we can step back, we're able to see things more clearly, from a state closer to detachment than when we are right in the middle of the drama. So, while I wish I could claim that there is NEVER judgement involved in our discussions, that wouldn't be an honest statement. Yet, we are definitely not approaching our discussions with a fault finding attitude. It's more inspired by curiosity toward human behavior and the evolution of our species mentally and emotionally. So... if I apply visible art to my life...
If I created a quilt comprised of the fabric of my life's experiences, it would be patchworks of bright color and an alternating patchwork of sad colors. I'm grateful to say it wouldn't be one solid color. It wouldn't be the green of living in one place for my whole life. It wouldn't be the red of being in one long term relationship for my whole life. It definitely wouldn't be the blue of being on one career path for my whole life. It might look a little bit like Joseph's technicolor dreamcoat.
In my previous post, I mentioned Karen Salmansohn's book "The Prince Harming Syndrome". Check out her website : http://notsalmon.com/ Viewing each person who crosses our path, whether we perceive their influence to be negative or positive, teaches us something. So, without the person who pushed me into a new life, my dreamcoat might be solid green... not so dreamy.
Here's another thread : The "Fool" tarot card, which shows a "fool" in colorful motley clothes, pack tied to a staff, a small dog, and a cliff, symbolizes infinite possibilities. It's an interesting connection between color and possibilities. I don't know very much about tarot, astrology, or other similar studies. I am just excited about the variety of beliefs that have been carried through history. From an aerial view once again, I'm going to quote Death Cab for Cutie, "They're all different names for the same things." So, on that note, I make the decision to live or die by the fortune in the cookie I just received with my delivered Chinese lunch... ready.... "Emotion is energy in motion". Okay.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A new month
So a new month inches me toward 2011 and I find I am ill prepared.
For one thing, time is so ambiguous. I'm going through a divorce and going through a divorce plays the biggest tricks on all of your senses.
In some ways, it seems like it was only moments ago that we were still together. On the other hand, it seems as if I never even knew that person. So many ugly things are said. There is such a catastrophic storm of emotions. One moment, hatred reigns, and in the very next second there is overwhelming loss and sadness.
If I had to choose an adjective today to describe divorce, I would choose confusion. You aren't even sure of what you feel. You are a child again, without a frame of reference, without security, without knowledge of how this big universe operates. And yet, you are so unlike a child in that your innocence has been lost. It's been hard for me to process the level of hurt and betrayal that goes along with divorce. To sum it up, how do people go from sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other's nakedness and vulnerability to outright hatred? Is it a slow weathering over time that finally reaches a crescendo? Ah, now I'm mixing metaphors.
Of course, it is not my intention to have this blog be about divorce at all - it doesn't define me. It just happens to be on my mind today because I've been working on court documents and having my husband served with the paperwork. There is just no easy way.
On a positive note, our fair city is filled with beauty and an endless supply of things to keep my mind off any type of misery. Before you go feeling sorry for me, I'll disclose that we have been separated for 2 1/2 years, he just moved in with his girlfriend last weekend, and I'm wondering what in the hell took me so long to take this step... well, there are a few reasons - denial, grief, and money. Hiring an attorney is very expensive, and letting go is the hardest part.
The future is ahead of me though, and I intend to continue this beautiful journey he propelled me toward. There is a book called "The Prince Harming Syndrome" and in it she says something to the effect of viewing her ex(es) as teachers. When I view him that way, I need to honor him with 1000 prostrations and thank him for everything he has taught me about myself and about the big picture.. for my life may have been stagnant and I may have been hiding from the potential I had.
Thanks for reading.
For one thing, time is so ambiguous. I'm going through a divorce and going through a divorce plays the biggest tricks on all of your senses.
In some ways, it seems like it was only moments ago that we were still together. On the other hand, it seems as if I never even knew that person. So many ugly things are said. There is such a catastrophic storm of emotions. One moment, hatred reigns, and in the very next second there is overwhelming loss and sadness.
If I had to choose an adjective today to describe divorce, I would choose confusion. You aren't even sure of what you feel. You are a child again, without a frame of reference, without security, without knowledge of how this big universe operates. And yet, you are so unlike a child in that your innocence has been lost. It's been hard for me to process the level of hurt and betrayal that goes along with divorce. To sum it up, how do people go from sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other's nakedness and vulnerability to outright hatred? Is it a slow weathering over time that finally reaches a crescendo? Ah, now I'm mixing metaphors.
Of course, it is not my intention to have this blog be about divorce at all - it doesn't define me. It just happens to be on my mind today because I've been working on court documents and having my husband served with the paperwork. There is just no easy way.
On a positive note, our fair city is filled with beauty and an endless supply of things to keep my mind off any type of misery. Before you go feeling sorry for me, I'll disclose that we have been separated for 2 1/2 years, he just moved in with his girlfriend last weekend, and I'm wondering what in the hell took me so long to take this step... well, there are a few reasons - denial, grief, and money. Hiring an attorney is very expensive, and letting go is the hardest part.
The future is ahead of me though, and I intend to continue this beautiful journey he propelled me toward. There is a book called "The Prince Harming Syndrome" and in it she says something to the effect of viewing her ex(es) as teachers. When I view him that way, I need to honor him with 1000 prostrations and thank him for everything he has taught me about myself and about the big picture.. for my life may have been stagnant and I may have been hiding from the potential I had.
Thanks for reading.
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