I've often been encouraged to write. I mean to really buckle down, focus, and just fucking write. Oh, but then I get all wrapped up in my head and my self destructive policies and maybe even politics. There is something lonely about writing. There is something vulnerable. And maybe the fear is this - everyone will know what I'm thinking, everyone will know what I've done... they'll assume it's true, they'll think they know me, and I'll feel naked and exposed. Or maybe they'll hold onto one phrase, one story, and capture me in a moment that feels so confining and claustrophobic.
So it holds me back, a little.
But then, I read the work of Cheryl Strayed, who happens to be from Minnesota, who happens to write the best advice column I have ever read IN MY LIFE - Dear Sugar at www.therumpus.net, and who happens to be so painfully honest that you love her in ways you can't imagine. It's for many reasons, but primarily for me, in this moment, it's because her writing is her way of teaching. She's so open about what she feels. She is so skillfully able to put into words what she has done, what she is doing, and how she feels while she's doing it, that you can't help but feel safe. Her honesty makes you realize that other people feel dark and depressed and beside themselves, sometimes briefly, sometimes for years. It makes me think of the honesty of Joan Didion in her book, "The Year of Magical Thinking", a book I know I have referenced before. Sometimes scary honest.
I have often thought, that after my ex husband cheated on me, that I was out to prove to humanity (really myself) that sex didn't have to be an emotional experience, that sex could just be about that - primal and carnal, without any love. I finally have enough distance between my marriage and the present that I'm able to look at all of this.
Because of our up-bringing and sex being viewed as a terrible sin unless it is within the confines of marriage, my ex was the first guy I had sex with. We did have sex before marriage, of course, but I justified it by knowing we were engaged, we were committed and I loved him with all my heart.
I keep thinking of a line from Eat, Pray, Love where Felipe visits Ketuit and Ketuit feels Felipe's heartbreak immediately. Ketuit says something to the effect of "heartbreak means you tried really really hard at something."
And that was the raw truth to it all - I tried really really hard at something. I loved my husband with all my heart. I didn't hold back. In spite of all of my fear, I was fearless, and I trusted him.
Was it misplaced? Maybe. I believe he loved me in the best way he knew how.
But the short of it all is it hurt me, and it both scared and scarred me.... to the point that I had something to prove.
First of all, there is revenge sex... and this is very common when you find out you've been cheated on. I won't go into detail tonight - it's pretty self explanatory. It's the ultimate way (so you think) of saying "Fuck you" to someone who already said "Fuck you" to you, only it took you by surprise, like the worst punch to the stomach you can imagine, maybe even a punch to the stomach while you're sleeping. You get to find out that everything you thought was real and true for months and years, was really a lie... and then you get to feel really messed up in trying to figure out that some of it was true and some of it was a lie, or that all of it was true but this person has a different definition of what love is - and then you give up and you move on because it really hurts and it really sucks, and it's over... no matter how you view it, it's over.
So, in a couple of years, I found myself in the company of about 14 or 15 different men (I would have to go back in my journals to give an exact count). I'm not saying I had sex with all of them. I just really really wanted their attention and I wanted to feel desirable. I had names for them too, much like Cheryl Strayed did - not their real names but a way to describe some odd trait, like "cherry chapstick" for the guy who compulsively applied cherry flavored chapstick... or the puppeteer who smelled like oranges and had gift cards that didn't work, so I had to pay for dinner. You think I'm making this up, but I'm not. I can't believe I was that desperate.
And, trying to fill this hole my ex had torn in my soul, made me make some pretty bad choices... I just mean it's pretty obvious how I felt about myself and how little I was willing to accept.. until I moved on. I also know I caused pain in the meantime because someone in the state I was in, has or had no business messing with other people's feelings. For that I'm sorry, and for that maybe some karma is lingering in my path as well.
But it's truly a normal response to emotional trauma.
And then you heal. Because you can and you do.
You're wiser and more aware of yourself and those around you. You think before you act, maybe not perfectly, but you're not out to prove anything to anyone. You no longer have to try to "trick nature" and prove that you are the one person who can have sex without emotional ties. You no longer have to act stronger than you are. You just have to be honest and real.
So, thanks to Cheryl Strayed for her beautiful, heart felt writing that brought these emotions of my own to the surface, and allowed me to engage in self reflection. I'm impressed by her bravery and I'm inspired to share more of my own story.
Good Night!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Spring springiness
Happy belated St. Patrick's Day- it was an especially fine one, with the weather being so nice. No time to obsess or fret about global warming. That can be for another day. For now, it's been great to be outside. Saturday morning, my boys and I ate breakfast outside on our yard furniture. The air smelled so good and the sunshine felt so warm and loving.
It has been a busy year so far. I can't help but say, "Where did March go?" even though that makes me sound old.
These next few months are my favorite time of the year, and I feel almost an urgency to soak it all up.
As of about a month ago, the father of my children is at basic training. He seems to be doing really well. We haven't heard from him via the phone for a couple of weeks. I know phone privileges are scarce, especially in the thick of the training.
However, he's been a decent letter writer. It's pretty endearing to see his letters to the boys come through, with his painstaking printing. I know he misses them, and they miss him. I think it's a great lesson in love.
While it definitely is not ideal that he left at such a critical time in their childhood, there is also the point that we all are on our own journey and we are all figuring things out as we go.
To help my nine year old grasp some of these big grown up concepts, I'm reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho aloud to him. I have read the book before and highly recommend it. I'm hoping it will help him to form a framework around all of this. It's a story of a shepherd boy pursuing his "personal legend." I especially like this line. An older, wise king says to the boy, "The world's greatest lie is: that at a certain point in our lives , we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That is the world's greatest lie." We could even take it a step further and call it inertia. How many people are just going along with what they are doing because they're afraid to make a change, or they don't believe they deserve to live their dream? (myself included) So, in a philosophical sense, my ex-husband is living his dream. And, it doesn't mean it's pretty and it doesn't mean it's not messy. But he knew he needed to make a change.
Now there will be consequences or results of this decision, as there are with every decision. But allowing my boys to wallow or feel sorry for themselves because their dad made this choice is not a path I want to take, and it's not an attitude I want them to have.
I explained to my youngest that love for someone (his father) is like a puzzle. It doesn't have to be all one feeling- there might be a piece that is angry at his father for leaving, a piece that is sad because he's not here, and maybe a piece that is proud of his father for serving this country. And that is what it is- so many pieces to make a whole.
One part of a letter my ex wrote to my youngest talked about how proud he is to serve this country, to wear this uniform, and to give back. He said, "So many people take without thinking about it." And that is very true and thought provoking. Whatever avenue we might choose, it's important to give and to think of other people... at least sometimes.
So, as of today, that's where things stand. He will graduate from basic training in May, and we will be there to support him. It doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It doesn't mean that there aren't time when I feel completely annoyed with his decision. But most of the time, I understand. I want my kids to learn that. I also want them to learn that it is never too late to live their dream.
Life is a series of changes, and it's also a constant lesson in letting go, which sucks most of the time as none of us like to have our flow disrupted or our comfort disturbed. But holding on to the past doesn't do anything except waste the precious present.
In other news, the man who assaulted me has been arrested. His trial date is in early May. I'm relieved about that. I do feel the need to do something with my experience to help other people. I will continue looking into that. For now, I have my hands full with taking care of my two growing boys, volunteering at their schools, on the PTA, and in general keeping this house running on my own, which is no easy task. If I look too far ahead, I feel overwhelmed- so the practice is always to try to live in the moment and take it one day at a time.
Happy Spring!
It has been a busy year so far. I can't help but say, "Where did March go?" even though that makes me sound old.
These next few months are my favorite time of the year, and I feel almost an urgency to soak it all up.
As of about a month ago, the father of my children is at basic training. He seems to be doing really well. We haven't heard from him via the phone for a couple of weeks. I know phone privileges are scarce, especially in the thick of the training.
However, he's been a decent letter writer. It's pretty endearing to see his letters to the boys come through, with his painstaking printing. I know he misses them, and they miss him. I think it's a great lesson in love.
While it definitely is not ideal that he left at such a critical time in their childhood, there is also the point that we all are on our own journey and we are all figuring things out as we go.
To help my nine year old grasp some of these big grown up concepts, I'm reading "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho aloud to him. I have read the book before and highly recommend it. I'm hoping it will help him to form a framework around all of this. It's a story of a shepherd boy pursuing his "personal legend." I especially like this line. An older, wise king says to the boy, "The world's greatest lie is: that at a certain point in our lives , we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That is the world's greatest lie." We could even take it a step further and call it inertia. How many people are just going along with what they are doing because they're afraid to make a change, or they don't believe they deserve to live their dream? (myself included) So, in a philosophical sense, my ex-husband is living his dream. And, it doesn't mean it's pretty and it doesn't mean it's not messy. But he knew he needed to make a change.
Now there will be consequences or results of this decision, as there are with every decision. But allowing my boys to wallow or feel sorry for themselves because their dad made this choice is not a path I want to take, and it's not an attitude I want them to have.
I explained to my youngest that love for someone (his father) is like a puzzle. It doesn't have to be all one feeling- there might be a piece that is angry at his father for leaving, a piece that is sad because he's not here, and maybe a piece that is proud of his father for serving this country. And that is what it is- so many pieces to make a whole.
One part of a letter my ex wrote to my youngest talked about how proud he is to serve this country, to wear this uniform, and to give back. He said, "So many people take without thinking about it." And that is very true and thought provoking. Whatever avenue we might choose, it's important to give and to think of other people... at least sometimes.
So, as of today, that's where things stand. He will graduate from basic training in May, and we will be there to support him. It doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It doesn't mean that there aren't time when I feel completely annoyed with his decision. But most of the time, I understand. I want my kids to learn that. I also want them to learn that it is never too late to live their dream.
Life is a series of changes, and it's also a constant lesson in letting go, which sucks most of the time as none of us like to have our flow disrupted or our comfort disturbed. But holding on to the past doesn't do anything except waste the precious present.
In other news, the man who assaulted me has been arrested. His trial date is in early May. I'm relieved about that. I do feel the need to do something with my experience to help other people. I will continue looking into that. For now, I have my hands full with taking care of my two growing boys, volunteering at their schools, on the PTA, and in general keeping this house running on my own, which is no easy task. If I look too far ahead, I feel overwhelmed- so the practice is always to try to live in the moment and take it one day at a time.
Happy Spring!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
2012..
feels better already.
I realize now, looking back, that 2011 was a really tough year for me.
I know I mentioned a sexual assault in a previous post. And the case is still pending. Yes, it was that serious. It involved being drugged, although that can never be proven- the beauty of a date rape drug. It was in a situation you would never suspect or expect. I didn't. I was at a wedding in a small town.
My aunt wanted to go to a wedding she was invited to and unfortunately her vehicle was being worked on - she asked if I would be her plus one. I thought it would be fun to go, so I went.
Of course, it is a very long story, but it ended with me going to the ER the day after the wedding, after finally making sense of what may have happened.
A case began, with a detective researching all of it, taking statements, viewing and reviewing the surveillance interviewing witnesses, interviewing the security guard who intercepted him and helped me to my feet while I was laying on the grass after it was over, interviewing the guy who did this to me. Luckily, and I'm serious when I say luckily, there is video surveillance. Of all things- how unbelievable.
There is video surveillance of the parking lot where he walked me out to his car. There is video surveillance of me falling on my back 3 times. There is a "movie" of him laying down next to me on his back, rather than kneeling over me like a normal person would. It indicates that he clearly wasn't surprised by my behavior and he didn't want to attract attention to the situation by kneeling over me to make sure I was okay. I feel very lucky that I did not get more hurt than I did, although I was very sore the next day.
There is much more to the story, and I am currently working on a bigger more detailed story.
As it stands now, they haven't pressed charges against him yet. (I have learned so much about the law - I don't press charges. The county attorney does once the case has been constructed, created and is thought to be pretty solid)
Anyway, it is always difficult to see what you're in while you're in it.
But about a month ago, I thought, "Wow. I am really in a funk. I feel like I probably need to go back to therapy." And I did.
And now that I am feeling better, I can see how totally rotten I was feeling. I was so depressed. Ever since the assault, I had really felt "fuck it" about everything (except my kids) - but getting out of bed in the morning became the biggest challenge of all. I can't believe how bad I was feeling. It was hard for me to care about paying my bills and all the mundane things of life. I didn't miss a day of work, which is totally messed up on a different level. I couldn't. And I think it created resentment in me toward my boss that I will never recover from.
Now I still have feelings of anger. And I get the creeps about this guy. I didn't know who he was before that night. But I know who it was because he was the photographer. What a perfect set-up- you can watch people all night long and nobody notices you watching them because you're behind a camera. Everyone investigating the case figures he has done this before. He was so brazen about all of it. He didn't know about the video at the time he made his statement, so he admitted to things, saying it was consensual and that I was just fine and able to consent.
So it goes on.
I'm not sure what the outcome will be. It has taught me another brutal lesson in the lack of control that we have. I am so careful when I go out. I'm so careful if I'm meeting someone for a date. I'm so careful with friends, coming home at night.. all of it. I've been a city girl for years now and single for a decent chunk of it. I know how to watch my back.
But at a family event, where there were babies and grandparents, and where two young people were promising eternal love to each other, a perpetrator infiltrated the event, and I didn't see it coming. How could I have?
So the lesson is there are people with wicked agendas and they walk among us.
I feel lucky to be alive. I feel lucky that I am not locked in a closet somewhere.. and I am grateful that I may have prevented him from doing this to someone else because I came forward - and that was not easy.
I am optimistic that I am recovering well. I am optimistic that he will pay for what he did. I'm optimistic that I may do something helpful with this - education, support groups, advocacy, etc.... there is a lot of opportunity.
And, as with all traumatic events, it is behind me.
And this next year looks sunny and bright. I'm excited.
This January warmth adds to my optimism.
Happy New Year!
I realize now, looking back, that 2011 was a really tough year for me.
I know I mentioned a sexual assault in a previous post. And the case is still pending. Yes, it was that serious. It involved being drugged, although that can never be proven- the beauty of a date rape drug. It was in a situation you would never suspect or expect. I didn't. I was at a wedding in a small town.
My aunt wanted to go to a wedding she was invited to and unfortunately her vehicle was being worked on - she asked if I would be her plus one. I thought it would be fun to go, so I went.
Of course, it is a very long story, but it ended with me going to the ER the day after the wedding, after finally making sense of what may have happened.
A case began, with a detective researching all of it, taking statements, viewing and reviewing the surveillance interviewing witnesses, interviewing the security guard who intercepted him and helped me to my feet while I was laying on the grass after it was over, interviewing the guy who did this to me. Luckily, and I'm serious when I say luckily, there is video surveillance. Of all things- how unbelievable.
There is video surveillance of the parking lot where he walked me out to his car. There is video surveillance of me falling on my back 3 times. There is a "movie" of him laying down next to me on his back, rather than kneeling over me like a normal person would. It indicates that he clearly wasn't surprised by my behavior and he didn't want to attract attention to the situation by kneeling over me to make sure I was okay. I feel very lucky that I did not get more hurt than I did, although I was very sore the next day.
There is much more to the story, and I am currently working on a bigger more detailed story.
As it stands now, they haven't pressed charges against him yet. (I have learned so much about the law - I don't press charges. The county attorney does once the case has been constructed, created and is thought to be pretty solid)
Anyway, it is always difficult to see what you're in while you're in it.
But about a month ago, I thought, "Wow. I am really in a funk. I feel like I probably need to go back to therapy." And I did.
And now that I am feeling better, I can see how totally rotten I was feeling. I was so depressed. Ever since the assault, I had really felt "fuck it" about everything (except my kids) - but getting out of bed in the morning became the biggest challenge of all. I can't believe how bad I was feeling. It was hard for me to care about paying my bills and all the mundane things of life. I didn't miss a day of work, which is totally messed up on a different level. I couldn't. And I think it created resentment in me toward my boss that I will never recover from.
Now I still have feelings of anger. And I get the creeps about this guy. I didn't know who he was before that night. But I know who it was because he was the photographer. What a perfect set-up- you can watch people all night long and nobody notices you watching them because you're behind a camera. Everyone investigating the case figures he has done this before. He was so brazen about all of it. He didn't know about the video at the time he made his statement, so he admitted to things, saying it was consensual and that I was just fine and able to consent.
So it goes on.
I'm not sure what the outcome will be. It has taught me another brutal lesson in the lack of control that we have. I am so careful when I go out. I'm so careful if I'm meeting someone for a date. I'm so careful with friends, coming home at night.. all of it. I've been a city girl for years now and single for a decent chunk of it. I know how to watch my back.
But at a family event, where there were babies and grandparents, and where two young people were promising eternal love to each other, a perpetrator infiltrated the event, and I didn't see it coming. How could I have?
So the lesson is there are people with wicked agendas and they walk among us.
I feel lucky to be alive. I feel lucky that I am not locked in a closet somewhere.. and I am grateful that I may have prevented him from doing this to someone else because I came forward - and that was not easy.
I am optimistic that I am recovering well. I am optimistic that he will pay for what he did. I'm optimistic that I may do something helpful with this - education, support groups, advocacy, etc.... there is a lot of opportunity.
And, as with all traumatic events, it is behind me.
And this next year looks sunny and bright. I'm excited.
This January warmth adds to my optimism.
Happy New Year!
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