A new month

So a new month inches me toward 2011 and I find I am ill prepared.

For one thing, time is so ambiguous. I'm going through a divorce and going through a divorce plays the biggest tricks on all of your senses.

In some ways, it seems like it was only moments ago that we were still together. On the other hand, it seems as if I never even knew that person. So many ugly things are said. There is such a catastrophic storm of emotions. One moment, hatred reigns, and in the very next second there is overwhelming loss and sadness.

If I had to choose an adjective today to describe divorce, I would choose confusion. You aren't even sure of what you feel. You are a child again, without a frame of reference, without security, without knowledge of how this big universe operates. And yet, you are so unlike a child in that your innocence has been lost. It's been hard for me to process the level of hurt and betrayal that goes along with divorce. To sum it up, how do people go from sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other's nakedness and vulnerability to outright hatred? Is it a slow weathering over time that finally reaches a crescendo? Ah, now I'm mixing metaphors.

Of course, it is not my intention to have this blog be about divorce at all - it doesn't define me. It just happens to be on my mind today because I've been working on court documents and having my husband served with the paperwork. There is just no easy way.

On a positive note, our fair city is filled with beauty and an endless supply of things to keep my mind off any type of misery. Before you go feeling sorry for me, I'll disclose that we have been separated for 2 1/2 years, he just moved in with his girlfriend last weekend, and I'm wondering what in the hell took me so long to take this step... well, there are a few reasons - denial, grief, and money. Hiring an attorney is very expensive, and letting go is the hardest part.

The future is ahead of me though, and I intend to continue this beautiful journey he propelled me toward. There is a book called "The Prince Harming Syndrome" and in it she says something to the effect of viewing her ex(es) as teachers. When I view him that way, I need to honor him with 1000 prostrations and thank him for everything he has taught me about myself and about the big picture.. for my life may have been stagnant and I may have been hiding from the potential I had.

Thanks for reading.