These past couple of years have been a long and arduous journey. Bits and pieces of my divorce will be probably be divulged in random posts, but I don't intend on making this my divorce blog. It is very much on my mind right now, as he is being served today or tomorrow, whenever they can hand him the envelope. Tracking someone down like this is no easy feat.
So, I'm not sure if I mentioned that we have been separated since the spring of 2008, not legally, just physically. Over the past couple of years, there was talk of getting back together many times, which usually meant sleeping together a dozen times in one night or over the course of a couple of days. It never lasted very long.
If I suggested it or told him I missed him, he had a million reasons why we shouldn't be together. The "Humpty Dumpty" analogy became almost a nervous tic in his repertoire of excuses. I began to hate that old nursery rhyme, probably always will.
If starting over was his suggestion, I would say I was open to it, that we could start with small steps, but that is always where it ended. That faraway "the grass must be greener somewhere, dammit" look in his eyes was familiar and tiresome. Have I used that word a zillion times in this post?
In my story, the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" comes to mind. I haven't read the book- God knows I've read every other relationship book, or so it seems. The bottom line is people do what they want to do, and if someone wants to spend time with you, they make it happen, no excuses. As a friend says quite often, "period. the end". I think she's right.
Back to "Magical Thinking" which I referred to in a past post, denial causes us to conjure up all sorts of excuses or reasons for someone's behavior- especially when it relates to love or a hoped for relationship. But, when you wash all the muddy excuses away, it's as simple as a blue river stone, you know the kind you see on every shore by the billions, with no frills. It is this: "I like my life better without you in it therefore I am going to leave and stay away". For the person left behind, that is a bitter pill to swallow. And yet, let's just speak candidly - it's over. period. the end.
When I broke up with Mr. Trimmed Up Down There For Ya, I actually feel kind of proud at how straightforward I was. I've been known to skirt issues, try to soften "blows" in such an overboard manner that you might wonder what I just said. A therapist actually told me I might be a little wishy- washy, (sure I dabble in wishy washiness, who doesn't?) so Mr. TUDTFY (yes, he really said that to me) was becoming a little bit possessive, no actually outright jealous and it was getting old. This was after maybe 5 times of sleeping together and hanging out. Yep, we got right to it. Well, instant messaging for days coupled with a bottle of wine can lead to dirty talk in a hurry, so by the time you hang out, all bets are off. No pretense. I'm not apologizing, just explaining. Keep in mind that on our 2nd day together, he talked about marriage and how my kids could go to college in the state he was planning to move to. He also accused me of cheating on him and checked with a mutual acquaintance to try to verify one alibi I had... that was the moment I knew.Anyway, I won't rant about him for too long.
I did the right thing and broke it off. But here's the shining moment - I didn't want to be an asshole and break up over text or email (this is very brave for me!) so I called him. He answered and I said - "Hey. I need to talk to you. I didn't want to be rude and do this over email or text ... " He replied, "Thanks hon, I appreciate that" and I said, "This isn't working for me" He said, "Oh really? I thought we agreed we would just enjoy each other and have fun while it lasted." I said, "No, it's not fun for me anymore". And that was it. He did text me, message me, text me, message me, try calling me a few times after that, over the course of a couple of months actually until I finally had to send him the big baddie that said "Maybe I wasn't clear.... don't text me, call me or email me anymore".
And that is that- the moral of the story may be this - although the point might not be taken by the other party, we can feel good about being straightforward and honest, the opposite of wishy washy.
I've been wishy washy about divorcing this man. That chapter can finally close.
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