Self of self

Thanksgiving is definitely a time for reflection. That makes it my favorite holiday.
There are a lot of threads of thought weaving thru my weary, wine-infused head today, and be forewarned that it could lead to a very sporadic post that might be better served by multiple posts, but we'll just see where it all ends up. There may be an ending that wraps it all up neatly, ultimately but no promises.
Gratitude is so beautiful. The things I have to be grateful for are, hmmm... at a loss for a word meaning unable to count... and I love basking in that feeling. I have two amazing children, who I am watching grow up and just flat out marveling at. Seeing their unique personalities and their talents is awe inspiring. I'm also grateful for the freedom I have. I'm no longer enslaved to craving the approval of others, which allows me to be the best parent I could possibly be. Approval is an illusion anyway. I am now surrounded by people who love and support me and I am ever grateful to see the difference, the true meaning of love. I didn't realize how subtle negativity can be - well, I'm still learning that lesson.
How lucky am I that the hosts of my Thanksgiving are my dear friend, who happens to be the sister of my soon to be ex, and her husband. She invited my brother and his wife as well, in her big heartedness, knowing we are all orphans in a sense. Sometimes I wonder if she is my soul mate because she has taught me so much about openness, love, friendship and standing up for yourself. Thanks to you R, you know who you are. (Is this a speech at the Oscar's?) But, truly I am so moved and I don't care if it makes me vulnerable in this moment.
How lucky am I that I have two beautiful boys as a result of my marriage. A good friend once told me that my two kids are the best of both J and I. It was like, in that moment, we were our best and highest selves, and it was total and ultimate love that created them. I don't regret a minute of it.
Related to Thanksgiving, this same friend, who has helped me to heal immensely thru this life change, also advised me to send gratitude toward things, people or situations- even if the gratitude is as primal as "I'm grateful I don't view the world that way... or I'm grateful I am me." It is by no means a feeling of superiority. That's the beauty of it. It's simply self love and the realization that sending love and gratitude toward a person or situation is the best outcome for everyone involved. Being angry and bitter is ugly and unhealthy.
Today also made me think about who I am today, in this moment. I feel proud about certain things, but also feel humbled into recognizing that I am a work in progress.
There is a balance between wanting to improve and exhaustedly striving, never feeling content. When I first left the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses, the therapist I was seeing helped me out a lot with the deprogramming aspect of leaving a religious group that had dominatd my existence for so long. Because for the first time in my life, the sky was the limit for me, I didn't know what I believed or even where to start. Did I believe in God anymore? Did I believe in anything? So, my therapist lent a CD set to me - Jon Kabat Zinn, "Mindfulness for Beginners". I highly recommend it. I think there was a stretch when I listened to it every day, especially when I would walk around the lake. It became a meditation for me. The philosophy is so basic and very helpful.
Jon Kabatt Zinn leads the stress reduction clinic at the University of Massachusetts medical center. What lead me to mentioning him in my internal highway of electrical connections, is that he talks about just being, non striving, and so many positive nuggets of truth and awareness.
There is a portion on this CD set where he discusses non-striving and states poignantly that maybe we should retitle the species to something other than human "beings", since we are so often not in the moment and sometimes so afraid of just being. I feel like I'm not doing him justice, grasping at ways to describe something so helpful that I will now simply insert the link to his website now and you can have your own experience with his work and be quiet : http://www.mindfulnesscds.com/
The best part about gratitude is that it's very basic. There isn't any need for drama, really, if we're grateful. We might say that the most important gratitude is being grateful for ourselves, who we are. Because if we start there, we don't have any need for jealousy. We don't have any need for competition with those around us. We're grateful to be who we are, in love with our uniqueness, to the point that we are a mirror reflecting that love and gratitude onto anyone and everyone around us. That's beauty.
And, the irony of all of this is that today celebrates a day when the Native Americans unassumingly and lovingly gave what they had and shared with foreigners. That becomes a story of its own, but at face value, in an over arching generalization, they knew what gratitude was about. They were gracious and generous because they were able to just be.
Happy Thanksgiving.