The depth of emotion that goes with motherhood is difficult to capture in words.
I just said good-bye to my nine year old. He is going to a YMCA camp from now until Friday. He is on the bus right now, making his way to his big adventure. I am still crying, which is totally irrational. Why am I crying? Am I afraid something will happen to him? Not really. Why this sadness over him being gone for a few days? Maybe because it reminds me that he will someday be gone forever, not in my life everyday, because the mark of successful parenting is when your kids leave you and follow their own path. How ironic is that.
A friend said recently that once you become a parent, you forever wear your heart on the outside of your skin - dangerous. It is the most vulnerable feeling you can imagine. And it doesn't quite make sense. It must have to do with the fact that they are literally part of us walking around, exposed and open to the world, that we would die without a thought of ourselves if we could save them...that we have watched them grow from birth, that we have protected them, kept them alive, nurtured them, taught them, all with the goal that they will grow up strong and leave us. It's torture really.
I will take comfort in the fact that having these feelings means I am human, alive, and mentally sound. Even though I want to fight it and push it away, I know it's what it means to be a mother and feel this vulnerable and full of emotion. It's what I chose.
There's been so much written about motherhood and fatherhood, with good reason. It's the strongest bond imaginable and I'm grateful that I get to experience it, even if it's painful at times.
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