Hope less

It took me a couple of days to recover from my latest blog mishap. arrggghhh, a pirate says arrggghhh..

Here's what happened : I spent countless minutes typing up a post about sodium. I'm a little fascinated right now with anatomy, digestion, probiotic theory and whatnot. The humid weather is making me retain water and I'm curious about it.

So, I dedicated my Thursday post to this topic and somehow deleted the entire thing before posting.
You may not believe me and that's okay. But I think it's safe to say it was the best post I have written, hands down. There's no proof, so it's safe to make that claim.

Anyway, by-gones.

I have had a fabulous weekend and enjoyed a lot of sunshine and pool time. This makes me happy and tingly down to my very toes. Friday night, we swam until about 1 a.m. and then followed it with a fire - what a perfect evening.

A highlight of the weekend also was going to a yoga class in my neighborhood Friday morning. I've taken a variety of yoga classes in my practice and this one wins. The teacher is fantastic. It was the best balance of spirituality, centering and an intense work out. My arms are still sore.
I plan to go back - they have classes M.W. and F mornings.
And I can walk, it is so close to where I live. I love that.

I think they have a website but they must not have very good google keywords because all I could get to come up was a map.

Anyway, I'll look at hunting down the website, or maybe I won't. Having only one other student in the class provided me with a lot of one on one attention. I worked up the perfect sweat and had the best day. Doing child pose makes me cry every time and that feeling of surrender and humility carries with me the whole day, which I truly need.

Have a great day!

Hello July

Okay, apologies to myself for breaking my promise to myself. There's a Guvner song "Break a Promise" - that's running thru my head right now.

It is a bad sign when the URL for my blog doesn't even show up in my own history and my internet explorer no longer knows to auto-populate the rest of the URL for this alleged blog.... and, it has been over 5 months since my last post.

I apologize to my writing because it has to go back to being rusty, rusty like fingers that don't remember how to write a letter or a journal entry in a lined black book.

It's sort of like yoga. When I am doing it regularly, I'm fairly good at it and the poses flow together fairly effortlessly. Mind you, that is after about 2 weeks of everyday yoga.
Then I don't do it for months, and it is starting over. So creaky mind, start thinking and writing.

Stephen Covey has something to say about it taking 21 days to form a new habit, but what does he say about breaking one? What does he say about getting out of a nice healthy routine? I will add it to my list of things to research and someday I will do a blog post answering all these random questions I have posed to myself.

There is one habit I know I need to break - eating at night. Yikes. This was something I didn't do before this past winter. Curse you, Winter of 2010-2011. Your hold on me was strong. I developed some unhealthy drinking and eating habits - If I'm home, I watch something on Netflix, or read and of course eat along with it. and such healthy things like cheese and crackers. It doesn't take long to gain 15-20 pounds. While I don't have a scale, that's what I'm guessing. In reality, it's probably 10 but it feels heavy in this humid weather.

Anyway, enough about winter, enough apologies, enough rambling about weight because there are few things more boring than listening to a girl lament her weight, for real, I get it. I'm bored myself. It's just hard to undo six (or wasn't winter more like eight this year?) months of winter inactivity, even though that's no excuse.

I'm really here to put in a plug for the most beautiful advice column I have happened upon. Thanks to The Sun magazine for republishing one of her letters and introducing me to her. Thanks to Rachel for The Sun subscription these past two Christmases which has led to beautiful things for me.
Check her out:
Dear Sugar at www.therumpus.net.

Tomorrow I will post the column I keep reading and should really send to all my friends. It is heart wrenching and loving. It's something for young women to think about and remember. Life is fleeting and we get so wrapped up in so many things- we can't see it while we're in it. Sugar looks back and bares her soul for our benefit.
See, I'm laying the groundwork for a new good habit, a daily posting.
Will I remember? I'll give myself 21 days.

Now I have to go because I am completely hooked on these old Ally McBeal episodes. What did we do before Netflix watch instantly? Oh yeah, we paid $125 a month for cable. I still don't have TV. It is now 3 years.

Good Night and Happy Healthy Habit Forming!

I made a promise

My last post said I would write about the awkward meeting of someone. I'm bored though, so I don't know if this will go as well as I hoped. I mean, writing about it. I'm kind of over the whole drunken deal of it all. Maybe the alcohol has finally worked its way out of my pores. Can I just say one thing in my defense? I do not drink anything other than beer and wine usually. So, tequila and I are not friends. As tempting as those amazing margaritas are - yeah, they're in a barrel like a keg, not made individually --so they brine in their own brine all night and taste so delicious- I think they are hallucinogenic... at least the tequila is - I will be a strong person next time and just say no.
Anyway, I've reached the time of year where I am sick of winter, big time. I'm no longer showing a brave face, trying to stay positive, trying to make the most of the snow. I'm done. I'm ready for it to be spring. It's a simple fact -- winter here is just too long. There must be some type of scientific formula for how long a human can survive this weather before finally tiring out.
My answer is still to fight the good fight - to try to get outside as often as possible. I'm noticing it's staying light longer - it's dusk around 5:45 right now. That has prompted me to run around the lake 3 times this week, or at least try. Monday night worked out well. Last night was so cold I only lasted about a mile. The wind had teeth for biting and I just couldn't get past that. I went again tonight. I am carrying my winter weight right now, which loves to take up residence in my ass and upper leg region. I know it all comes with the winter territory - eating more to stay warm, all the residual weight from holiday overeating, and not being able to get outside as much. I try to keep that in mind. A couple of weeks of spring weather and I'll be in better shape, inside and out. At least that's what the sane part of my brain is screaming at the insane part.
So, here's to spring. Another cool thing is Groundhog Day is only a few days away. For some reason, it makes me nostalgic. It's a reliable tradition, a reliable scrap of hope. Either way the groundhog calls it, we are on the home stretch. I mean, worst case scenario - it's six weeks. Does six weeks compare to months? Do the math. I'm too confused. Anyway, the sun is getting closer, brighter, stronger, warmer and that all brings a huge smile to my face.
I'm sorry I'm not writing too much about the recent experience I had with a guy like I foreshadowed in my previous post. I'm still processing it in my mind and the conclusion today is that it was nothing. It was fun and flattering but I think I am choosing a different path this time. I'm choosing to call it what it is from the very beginning. I'm too liberal and he's too conservative. I'm not going to do it this time - I'm not going to try to create someone to be something different than what they are. It is a strange habit I have. I think it's called codependency. Is this my intuition talking?
The conclusion could be flipped tomorrow but I just think I am leaving the whole deal behind as a learning experience. If you really listen, people tell you a lot in every sentence, every inflection in their voice, about how they view the world and that's a direct link to who they are. And while it might sound oversimplified, each thing we do and say gives a glimpse into what the whole of us is. I don't want to work with insecure again. I don't want to direct, teach, carry, any of those verbs that give me more than my fair share of responsibility. I am dead set on being with an equal partner. Now that is oversimplifying. But I'm tired on this winter night and I know there is an amazing episode of Weeds waiting for me on netflix watch instantly.
By the way, my new high school-esque humor has inspired a new saying for me, "I'm totally addicted to weeds" but I pause between weed and s. Ah, clever sophomore. Good Night and Spring? Hurry.

Bi Weekly, maybe

My goal was to write everyday. Now, I'm at every week, or maybe every two weeks. Life just has a way of being so busy.
I was doing a mental recap of my day earlier and this is the way I found it --
Go to work - work all day without a lunch break because it is still so f*ing busy - I am beyond burnt out but I won't bitchy blog about that because I'm way past that. I need to make the change and it is almost in my grasp - so, less complaining and more action.
On my way home, I was debating on how to spend my couple of hours before I pick up my kids - I need to buy pajamas for this pajama drive we are doing at work - well, let me rephrase- that I am coordinating and orchestrating. I needed to go shopping over the weekend, but I ended up using my time very irresponsibly, to the tune of staying out all night both nights and wasting the next day trying to catch up on sleep - it just never works as well as night time sleep. I think it's because it's so riddled with guilt- I should have slept last night, not try to sleep instead of going to a baby shower. Snap.
I'm also caught up in the angst (or created angst) of meeting someone new and trying to figure out what, if anything, is going on. I think me being so insistent on never giving out my number puts me in another confusing situation because when it comes down to it, I don't want to be the one to call. But I also don't want to be harrassed, which has happened before. It happened just enough to make me not really want to give out my info.
The most productive thing I did over the weekend was go cross country skiing on Saturday with a friend. At least I got outside for some fresh air and exercise. Score one.
So, the debate tonight was - go shopping (you should see the state of my shoes and boots - not to mention the tired sweaters and shirts I've been wearing - my wardrobe is burnt out too) for the pajamas (why do I get myself into these time consuming commitments- oh yeah, because it's for a good cause) -- there's also the Monday night Yoga class I've been missing and wanted to go to. And, I need groceries for my kids lunches for the week, not to mention mine. It's starting to sound like I have ADD.
I got home and I was starving because I'd missed lunch at work. So, I quickly wolfed down some food. Then I landed on my decision - run around the lake. That was really rewarding. But it put me at 7 p.m. What would I do with my last hour? I remembered I was out of gas. So, that was my start. Is my brain completely fried? When I got to the gas station, I popped the trunk rather than opening the gas door. Maybe it was low blood sugar.
Getting groceries was the next best use of my remaining minutes. I did my shopping, got to the check out and realized I had left my check card in the car from when I pumped gas. I then had to run out to the car to track it down.
That left me 8 minutes to run to the liquor store (I am also out of wine) and then go get the kids.
The point of this entire tirade is to remind myself that "partying" - oh I do hate that word- all weekend and not getting any of life's necessities taken care of is a very foolish decision. I'm judging myself on this one and hoping I'll remember next time to take care of first things first -- one of them being sleep and proper nutrition. I do feel the need at this point to clarify that my kids were with their father all weekend, thus the very childlike behavior on my part.
I promise the next post will be about the whole meeting someone and how it all went down in this particular case. By then I will probably know more anyway - both about how I feel and if it was just a mistake. I guess what I mean by that is once all the smoke clears and the beer / wine/ margaritas wear(s) off, what is there and what was there? I usually know right away but this time I don't. Sometimes you just don't know. Time makes it more clear, and that is a lesson.

Harvest chicken

I found the best recipe for a hearty, soulful meal.

The story behind it is also sweet - my grandma bought me a gift subscription for Family Circle, something I can pretty safely say I would not have purchased for myself. Turns out, there are some pretty great recipes in it!

I started receiving the subscription November or December. I decided to try this recipe tonight -- I did not prepare it in a slow cooker as directed. I didn't have time this morning to get it ready (that's a shock!) So, I'll vouch for the fact that if you follow the directions but make it on the stove in a regular old stew pot, it turns out just fine, in a matter of about 45 minutes (not counting chopping veggies) -- drum roll..... and thanks Nanny!

Harvest Chicken:
*1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into 1 inch cubes
*3 tablespoons flour
*1/2 teaspoon salt
*1/4 teaspoon pepper
*12 ounces small new potatoes, scrubbed and halved
*2 cups baby carrots, cut into thirds
*2 celery stalks, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
*1 large onion, chopped
*1 can (4 ounces) sliced mushrooms, drained (I used about 1 cup of sliced fresh instead)
*2 cloves garlic, minced
*3/4 teaspoon dried thyme
*1/2 teaspoon dried sage
*1 cup low sodium chicken broth (I used regular salt content broth)
*1 tablespoon unsalted butter, softened (I used salted)

In a medium-size bowl, stir together chicken, 2 tablespoons of the flour, 1/4 teaspoon of the salt and the pepper, add to slow cooker. Stir in potatoes, carrots, celery, onion, mushrooms, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon of the thyme, the sage and all the broth.
Cover and cook on HIGH for four hours or on LOW for 6 hours (this is where I used the regular old stove top and cooked until the vegetables were soft, which was about 40 - 45 minutes)

In a small bowl, stir together remaining 1 tablespoon flour and the butter until a paste forms. Push the chicken and vegetables to one side and whisk paste, remaining 1/4 teaspoon each salt and thyme into slow cooker bowl. Cook 1 hour or more until thickened. (So, for stove top, I made the paste and was able to whisk it in as well. I did not cook it for an additional hour. It was pretty much instantaneously ready once the paste was enveloped by the existing mixture - wow do I sound like a nerd) Just note -- don't think of this as a soup -- it is a really really thick stew. I'd venture to say that it's pretty thick even without that last step of making a flour / butter paste --- so you can use your discretion when it comes to thickness. I'll just say that the flavor is phenomenal! Both of my kids loved it, which is a rare feat for something so veggie-centric.

And, the comfort of it all --- perfect for a cold January night. What is it about potatoes?
So, with my belly full of warm food, and a couple of glasses of rich red wine, I'm going to end my post with the happiest of moods. Tonight, there is no past or future. There is just pure contentment.... and an episode of Weeds -- thanks G, I am totally hooked. You were right - it's fabulous.

Happy Eating!

Before there was Eat Pray Love...

.... there was a book called "Without Reservations" by Alice Steinbach. She is a single mom who decides, after her two boys are finished with college, to travel for awhile. She is first in Paris, then in London... that's where I'm at so far. There are of course, huge differences between this book and "Eat, Pray, Love", but I like this theme of women who leave their lives for awhile and spend time freely traveling and taking in the sights. It gives me hope of writing my own story, in my voice... a nice reminder that it's never too late.

One major difference between "Without Reservations" and "Eat Pray Love" is that Alice Steinbach is significantly older and her divorce isn't as fresh and raw as Elizabeth Gilbert's. This book delves into finding or maybe rediscovering one's identity at an older age and as a mother whose children no longer need her constant care and attention. Of course, we never stop worrying about our kiddo-s but -- How do we define ourselves when we take away titles like "mother, wife, daughter, ex-wife, aunt" and so on? How do we keep our identity in a partnership or a marriage? How do we find ourselves again, especially if years or decades have passed since we were really in touch with who we were? Or, what if we never were and now is the time to figure out our glorious selves?

Alice also muses over her past a little bit. She addresses some of her regrets in regard to raising her children - things she would have done differently. I think every mother can relate to that, no matter what phase of life we are in. But a new friend she meets in Paris says, "But when you speak of your sons it is always with admiration. Is it true you would like to return and do things that might change how they are"? Good point, Alice realizes. I, as a mother myself, like that viewpoint as well and hope to keep it somewhere in my little guilt factory as a potential wet blanket on the feelings of doubt that might crop up regarding my own mothering "skills", both now and later.

In addition, reading this book definitely heightens my dreams of travel. Travel makes me feel alive. It reminds me of how big this planet is and as I get away from my everyday life, it's like taking a bird's eye view- it all seems so very minor and unimportant as the big wheel of life spins.


I'm thankful to authors like Alice who bare their souls so that the rest of us might learn something. The fact that she is just that much older than me teaches me another valuable lesson. Life is short- too short for regrets and too short to settle for mediocrity or the unanswered "what ifs?" She shares her fears, her dark times, her self doubt, and for that, we can be grateful. She gives me hope that I can realize my dream too.

She subtly touches on some feminist issues, possibly not intentionally. This reminded me of the women who pioneered rights and equality for us. She was in her fifties when she wrote the book, published in 2000. I believe her travels began around 1996. So, her world was very different from what I grew up in. It was a big deal to be an independent woman, less common than now. What a great way to celebrate her independence!

So, happy 2011 and may all your wishes come true, and a la "The Alchemist" what's your personal legend? And, what is mine? While reflection on my past is important, I intend to look forward more this year... as in "what's going to happen next?" instead of "what happened?" It's best to live in the moment of course, but a girl's got to have some plans! Wait, am I a woman now?

Holiday musings

My last post was about Christmas cancelled, well at least the shared version of Christmas. We still had our feast and opened presents, sans many attendees due to our illness.
We ended up celebrating the Solstice in a very low key but perfect way. Some friends invited us over for dinner, mulled wine, and sledding. The temperature was moderate, and while the moon was shrouded slightly in clouds, it still brightened up the sky enough to make a fabulous sledding experience. We had a great time. Mulled wine is the perfect winter treat, by the way. Here's a recipe: www.wine.about.com/od/holidayswithwine/r/mulledwines.htm
I enjoy the holidays, but I also look forward to getting back into the routine. Looking ahead to January too makes me feel that we are even closer to spring.
A quick recap of Christmas celebrated (as opposed to cancelled) is that I went up north to my hometown. My aunt and I rode together. There is something especially wonderful about 4 hours each way in a car. We shared a lot, and it's always thought provoking and insightful to spend time with her. I imagine some of our conversation will be referenced in future posts as we covered so many topics.
The weather was beautiful. My cousin has an amazing log home, and the highlight of the home, to me, is the floor to ceiling stone fireplace. Can you ask for a more perfect setting for a Christmas celebration? Well, there is one more detail that made me pause and think, "wow, this is like a storybook" - her three year old blonde haired brown eyed little girl with braids and wearing a flannel dress, opening the gifts under the huge Charlie Brown see through Christmas tree. It was really sweet.
I didn't miss my kids any more than I normally do. I think it was the combination of growing up believing it was just another day, and the reality that it is just another day. They were having their own fun and building their own lives elsewhere. I think that the divorce process has taught me a lot about letting go.
Eventually, my kids will leave and be out on their own, pursuing their own dreams and making their own traditions. Since I have the tendency to be a "holder-onner", protective, sentimental, the whole bit, it's been a good lesson for me to think about the fact that my kids are their own people. Their world will not always revolve around me, nor would I want it to. The job of a parent is to raise their children to be free adults -take nature as a lesson. Baby animals are taught skills for their survival, and then they are set free (or pushed from the nest) to explore this great big world all on their own.
In conclusion, it's nice to be back home.
I went to yoga tonight and had such a fabulous work out that I felt like I had just had a massage. I really liked the poses and order of poses we did tonight.
Now it's to bed early to be able to be a functioning drone at work tomorrow. I'm so ready for a vacation, somewhere warm .... I'm visualizing fist fulls of warm sand, staring out at the ocean, smiling.
Good Night and Happy New Year! One more big holiday to go.