feels better already.
I realize now, looking back, that 2011 was a really tough year for me.
I know I mentioned a sexual assault in a previous post. And the case is still pending. Yes, it was that serious. It involved being drugged, although that can never be proven- the beauty of a date rape drug. It was in a situation you would never suspect or expect. I didn't. I was at a wedding in a small town.
My aunt wanted to go to a wedding she was invited to and unfortunately her vehicle was being worked on - she asked if I would be her plus one. I thought it would be fun to go, so I went.
Of course, it is a very long story, but it ended with me going to the ER the day after the wedding, after finally making sense of what may have happened.
A case began, with a detective researching all of it, taking statements, viewing and reviewing the surveillance interviewing witnesses, interviewing the security guard who intercepted him and helped me to my feet while I was laying on the grass after it was over, interviewing the guy who did this to me. Luckily, and I'm serious when I say luckily, there is video surveillance. Of all things- how unbelievable.
There is video surveillance of the parking lot where he walked me out to his car. There is video surveillance of me falling on my back 3 times. There is a "movie" of him laying down next to me on his back, rather than kneeling over me like a normal person would. It indicates that he clearly wasn't surprised by my behavior and he didn't want to attract attention to the situation by kneeling over me to make sure I was okay. I feel very lucky that I did not get more hurt than I did, although I was very sore the next day.
There is much more to the story, and I am currently working on a bigger more detailed story.
As it stands now, they haven't pressed charges against him yet. (I have learned so much about the law - I don't press charges. The county attorney does once the case has been constructed, created and is thought to be pretty solid)
Anyway, it is always difficult to see what you're in while you're in it.
But about a month ago, I thought, "Wow. I am really in a funk. I feel like I probably need to go back to therapy." And I did.
And now that I am feeling better, I can see how totally rotten I was feeling. I was so depressed. Ever since the assault, I had really felt "fuck it" about everything (except my kids) - but getting out of bed in the morning became the biggest challenge of all. I can't believe how bad I was feeling. It was hard for me to care about paying my bills and all the mundane things of life. I didn't miss a day of work, which is totally messed up on a different level. I couldn't. And I think it created resentment in me toward my boss that I will never recover from.
Now I still have feelings of anger. And I get the creeps about this guy. I didn't know who he was before that night. But I know who it was because he was the photographer. What a perfect set-up- you can watch people all night long and nobody notices you watching them because you're behind a camera. Everyone investigating the case figures he has done this before. He was so brazen about all of it. He didn't know about the video at the time he made his statement, so he admitted to things, saying it was consensual and that I was just fine and able to consent.
So it goes on.
I'm not sure what the outcome will be. It has taught me another brutal lesson in the lack of control that we have. I am so careful when I go out. I'm so careful if I'm meeting someone for a date. I'm so careful with friends, coming home at night.. all of it. I've been a city girl for years now and single for a decent chunk of it. I know how to watch my back.
But at a family event, where there were babies and grandparents, and where two young people were promising eternal love to each other, a perpetrator infiltrated the event, and I didn't see it coming. How could I have?
So the lesson is there are people with wicked agendas and they walk among us.
I feel lucky to be alive. I feel lucky that I am not locked in a closet somewhere.. and I am grateful that I may have prevented him from doing this to someone else because I came forward - and that was not easy.
I am optimistic that I am recovering well. I am optimistic that he will pay for what he did. I'm optimistic that I may do something helpful with this - education, support groups, advocacy, etc.... there is a lot of opportunity.
And, as with all traumatic events, it is behind me.
And this next year looks sunny and bright. I'm excited.
This January warmth adds to my optimism.
Happy New Year!
